


Stitches (And Other Very Not Fun Side Effects of Being a Superhero)

by fallingleaves



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: (I actually came up with a somewhat scientific explanation for it too), Blood, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Pain, reduced pain tolerance because being a speedster sucks sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-08-24 03:20:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8354905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingleaves/pseuds/fallingleaves
Summary: Barry gets hurt and gets stitches for the first time after becoming a speedster.  It's not fun.





	1. Stitches

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this takes place around the beginning of season one, so Eddie's alive, although I don't know if he'll actually end up making an appearance, it probably depends on how long I end up making this fic. Also, I'm ignoring Harrison Well/Eobard Thawne's existence. And when I say it takes place around the beginning of season one I mean so in a very vague fashion. Also, Len and Barry are an established couple when Barry goes into a coma and then continue to be together after the coma. Len is a partially/mostly/he-kind-of just-still-does-it-now-every-once-in-a-while-to-annoy-Barry reformed thief. Joe doesn't approve, but he also has accepted it. Anyway, here you go :)

            “OK, st-stopstopstop,” Barry said suddenly, eyes squeezed shut, jerking away.

            “Easy, Barr,” Joe said.  He had a hand on Barry’s shoulder, his good shoulder, as Caitlin stitched up a cut on his other arm.

            Barry reluctantly moved his arm back, eyes flitting over to Joe for a second.  Joe gave his shoulder a squeeze, his stomach turning from the pained, anxious look on Barry’s face.  But as soon as Caitlin placed another stitch Barry flinched and his eyes squeezed shut again.  His hands were balled to fists at his sides, sitting straight up in a chair because he refused to lie down on one of the hospital beds for this.

            “I’m already halfway done, Barry,” Caitlin said.

            Barry just bit his lip, face getting paler, obviously trying very hard to stay still.  He made it through another two minutes, another long, agonizing two minutes of Caitlin placing careful stitches while Barry sat completely tense, not making a sound, before a particularly sharp pain burst through his arm and he flinched away, causing the needle to tear into his skin more.

            “Ah – wait –waitwaitwait, stop,” Barry said, good hand flying up to grab Caitlin’s wrist, whole body jumping, like he was about to stand up.  Joe kept a steady hand on his shoulder, keeping him from rising from the chair.

            “Barry, careful,” Caitlin said, trying to steady the needle, looking where a new trail of blood ran down his skin as he had just managed to tear the wound more.

            “Sorry, sorry,” Barry said.  He let go of Caitlin’s wrist.  His hands were trembling now, as he moved them back to his sides, clenching them to fists again.

            “I know it hurts,” Caitlin said, “but when you jerk away like that I can make the wound worse, Barry.”  Her voice was soft, but she took his arm in her hand, holding it still as she carefully removed the needle and started the same stitch again.

            Barry gave her a terse nod, and then his face screwed up in pain again as she started working.  He flinched back again, although Caitlin was able to stop him from hurting himself this time.

            “No, wait – wait, stop!”

            Caitlin paused.  There was a note of panic to Barry’s voice that hadn’t yet creeped in.  Even as she stopped a shudder ran through him and Barry’s breath hitched and gasped.

            “I – I need a break,” he said.  He looked at Caitlin and the panic in his eyes, the pain on his face made her take in a breath.  “Stop – please, stop.”

            “OK,” Caitlin said carefully, “we can take a short break.  But you’re going to have to let me finish this stitch, Barry.”

            The anxiety flared up in his eyes and he didn’t say anything but Caitlin swore she could see him go paler.

            “Just one stitch,” she said, “halfway done with it already.”  She carefully slid the needle through the other side of the wound, and Barry flinched again, turning his head sharply to the side, but he didn’t pull away.  “Almost there,” she said, and then drew the needle out the other end, pulling the stitches tight.  “There.”

            Barry let out a shaky breath, only to suck in another.  “Can I have some water?” he said.  Joe walked over to grab a water bottle, before unscrewing the cap for Barry and handing it to him.  Barry’s hand shook as he took it – so much that the water spilled a little over the top.  He took a couple long gulps and then handed it back to Joe.

            “You’re doing great, Barry,” Caitlin said, “I’m almost finished now.”  She still held the needle up with one hand, but she placed her other on his knee for a moment.  “I know it really hurts.  It’s almost over.”

            Joe gave his shoulder another squeeze, and then moved to take his hand instead.  Barry’s grip tightened in his.

            “Are you ready to start again, Barry?” Caitlin asked.

            Barry’s breath hitched and his face tightened, but he nodded.  His legs started to shake too as Caitlin took his arm again.

            “Try to relax your arm, Barr,” Joe said, “it’ll help with the pain.”

            Barry tried, but then Caitlin slid the needle through his skin again and his whole body tightened up instantly.  Over the next minute he started to hyperventilate.

            “Deep breaths, Barry,” Joe said, “Take deep, slow breaths, now.”

            Barry tried to take deeper breaths, but they just came out gasping – every time a shock of pain ran through his arm again his breath hitched.  His arm felt like it was on fire, like Caitlin was stabbing straight down to the bone.  He knew it was just stitches, knew it was actually a pretty small needle, was not even a really horrible cut, but it felt like his arm was being cut off – slowly.  It hurt worse than when he broke his arm in eighth grade – worse than when he burned his hand on a hot pan when he was in college.  And it was the first time since becoming the Flash that he had to really sit through something like this, something extended where he had to sit still.  It felt like it was going on forever and the pain was only getting worse.  He was nearing the edge of his tolerance, feeling like at any moment it would all be too much, like it really was already too much.  He felt like he was going to throw up, and tears were gathering in the corners of his eyes.  He wanted to scream.

            The pain mounted until Barry felt like he was going to die from it, until he snapped again, flinching back suddenly, a sharp wave of panic taking over, because no, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t, he needed it to _stop_.

            “No – no, stopstoppleaseithurtsicant,” he said, the end blurring together, speeding up too fast.  Caitlin paused, and Joe placed his free hand on Barry’s knee.

            “Easy, Barr,” Joe said, giving his hand a squeeze.  “It’s almost over now, Barry.  It’s almost done, son.”

            “I can’t,” Barry said, “I – I need another break.”  His stomach twisted and he felt a wave of nausea, oh God, it hurt.

            “I’m almost finished, Barry,” Caitlin said, “it’s just a few more now.  It’s really almost done now, Barry.  Can you let me just finish these last few?”

            Oh, God, he couldn’t.  Barry trembled, and it was too much, was so much, the pain so bad, panic clawing at his throat.  He choked on a sob and then blinked his eyes closed, tears finally spilling over.

            “It hurts,” he said, “I can’t, Cait.  I can’t, it hurts.”

            Caitlin held her tools in one hand so she could place her right one on Barry’s back, rubbing circles there.  “I just need to make four more, Barry,” she said.  Her voice was gentle and steady, calming, “just four more, Barry.  Then it’s all done.  I know you can do it.  Let’s just get this last bit over with now.”

            Barry had his head tilted down, tears falling from his face, trying to stop the sobs racking up his chest and throat.  His face was splotchy, still pale from the pain and panic, but with red blotches now, embarrassed at breaking down, embarrassed that he couldn’t make it through without crying.

            “Barr, hey, it’s alright.  It’s OK,” Joe said, and Barry’s eyes rose to meet his.  Joe reached up and wiped at the tears on his face.  Barry flushed red again and looked away and Joe must have known what he was thinking because he frowned.  “Hey,” he said, “it’s alright, Barry.  We know you’re in a lot of pain.  You’re doing so well, son.  You’ve been doing such a good job of staying still.  It’s just a little bit more now, OK?  Just a bit more now and it’ll be all over.”

            “I’m gonna start again, Barry,” Caitlin said, “OK?  Just four more.  I’m almost done.”

            Barry choked on another sob and he started hyperventilating before she even started.  When she placed the first stitch he cried out, the first time during the whole thing.  He shook his head, hand tightening in Joe’s, eyes squeezed shut.

            “Ah – ow, _ow_ ,” Barry said.  His voice cracked.  He was quiet at first for the next one, biting down on his lip, but then let out a yell when the needle went through the other side.

            “Just two more,” Caitlin said, “almost over.  Just two more left.”

            Barry let out a harsh sob.  His chest felt tight and his body was one giant line of pain, his muscles so tense they were cramping, but he hardly noticed over the searing pain in his arm.  He just had to get through two more.  It was almost over, it was almost over.

            He gave another harsh noise of pain before jerking his arm back at the next one.  Caitlin had a grip on it though.

            “Easy, Barr, last ones here.  You’re OK.  Nice and steady now,” Joe said, “Easy, it’s almost done.”  Barry turned away as Caitlin finished the stitch.  He was shaking all over again.

            “Last one,” she said.  Another sob wrenched from Barry’s throat, but then Caitlin was tying it off.  “All done,” she said, “all done.”

            Barry gasped, a wash of relief going over him, although the pain was still a crushing force.

            “All done, Barr,” Joe said, his voice still quiet, steady, “you did so well.  It’s all over now.  It’s all done.”

            He stopped crying quickly.  The shaking and hyperventilating took longer.  After Caitlin had finished bandaging over the stitches, Barry stood up, felt a wash of dizziness, and then made the two steps to the trashcan where he promptly threw up.

            Joe helped him to a sink to wash his mouth out.  Both him and Caitlin were a little worried Barry was going to pass out at any moment to let him go by himself.  After that Caitlin managed to coax him into lying down.  He was dehydrated from a combination of sweating and crying during the procedure and then throwing up everything in his stomach.  She really should have put in an IV before, but right after having stitches placed she didn’t want to make Barry undergo yet another thing involving needles.  She settled for watching as he drank more water and Joe coaxed a few bites of calorie bar into him.

            Barry spoke very little during the whole thing.  When he finally stopped shaking and his breathing evened out, he was still much paler than usual.  After the ordeal though, he was exhausted.  He fell asleep shortly after lying down.

 

 

 

 

 

            When Barry woke up, he was confused.  For a few long seconds, he couldn’t remember where he was, and waking up in a hospital bed instead of at home had him jumping up in bed.

            “Whoa, easy, Bar,” Joe said, startled, jolting in the chair he was sitting in.

            Barry relaxed in another moment, realizing where he was, remembering the procedure, the man he’d let get the jump on him and cut his arm with a knife before he’d stopped him.  He remembered that feeling of dread going back to Star, hoping Caitlin would say his speed healing would take care of it, dreading what would happen if she didn’t.  The sense of fear and the tightening of his stomach as she explained that it would heal wrong without stitches, that it was too big – that his speed healing meant that there was somewhat of an extended threshold as far as needing stitches went, but this one was too deep for speed healing alone.

            Joe handed him a water bottle without Barry even asking, and Barry took it and drank a few sips before placing it on a table to the side of him. 

            Caitlin came in a few minutes later, asked how he was feeling, checked his vitals again, checked the wound.  It would need a couple more hours but then the stitches would be ready to come out.  Then she sat down.

            “Barry, I was talking to Joe while you were asleep, and I want to ask you a few questions about your pain levels.”

            Barry frowned.  “OK,” he said.  He looked over at his arm.  “It only aches a little now.  It stings when I move it but not bad.”

            “I mean in general,” Caitlin said.

            “Oh,” Barry said, and he frowned.

            “I think you have a heightened response to pain,” she said.

            Barry blinked.  “I… like my pain threshold is really low?”

            “Sort of,” she said, “I think your body is releasing fewer endorphins when you’re injured than is normal.”

            “So I’m – my body’s not releasing painkillers like it should?”

            “Yes,” she said, “well, no – actually, I think it is releasing a normal amount for a normal person – but with your speed you’re not a normal person.  I think that what’s happening is your metabolism and your body is eating through the painkillers right away, so they have a fraction of the effect that they would have had before you were struck by lightning.”

            “So I’m – I’m actually in more pain?” Barry said, blinking.

            “Well, I’d need to run more tests to see for sure,” she said, “it’s just a theory.  But from some preliminary testing of some of the blood samples we’ve gotten – yes, I think when you’re injured you experience more pain than someone else with the same injury.”

            Barry pressed his hands against his face for a moment.  “Great,” he said.

            “Does it feel like that?” Caitlin asked.  “Can you think of injuries you sustained before getting your speed and similar injuries afterwards that hurt more?”

            “Yes,” Barry said.  He had.  It was one of the first things he noticed – how a papercut had him swearing, how breaking his wrist had felt like it being sawed off.  “I thought it was because of my speed,” Barry said, “like – seconds can feel longer.  I thought it was just that.”

            “That could be part of it too,” she said, “although without actively accessing the speed force it doesn’t appear that those parts of your brain should be affected.”

            Barry shook his head.  “So I just – I experience more pain whenever I’m injured, or hurt, or get a headache, or anything else, because my body eats through the natural painkillers it’s releasing too fast for them to be effective.  And there’s nothing we can do about it because there aren’t any anesthetics that work on me.”

            “I can look into trying to boost your natural production of pain killers,” Caitlin said.  “There might be something I can do with that.”

            Barry nodded.  “OK.  Yeah, that’s… thanks Caitlin.”

            She gave him another sympathetic smile, and placed a hand on his knee.  “I just thought you should know.  I know having me patch things up is really difficult for you sometimes.  I just wanted you to know that it’s at least in part biological – it’s not that you just don’t deal with pain well, or that you’re weak, or anything like that, OK?  It’s OK if it hurts a lot and you get upset by it.”

            His face flushed red and he nodded.  He hesitated, and then looked up again.  “I just… I feel stupid.  Like I know – I know Oliver gets stitched up without painkillers and –”

            “First, don’t compare yourself to Oliver,” Caitlin said, “that man has a freakish pain tolerance.  Second, like I said, you are experiencing more pain than most people would in the same situation.  Third, even if you weren’t, it’s still OK to be upset by it.  Everyone handles pain differently.”

            Barry nodded.  He paused again.  “Thanks, Caitlin,” he said, his voice quiet, but then he looked up and managed a small smile.


	2. Broken Ankle

            The tests Caitlin completed over the next few days proved her hypothesis, although it seemed, in addition, that Barry’s body was actually producing less endorphins than a normal persons as well, not just that his body was burning through it too fast.  Caitlin thought it was another result of his speed – his body was releasing the chemicals for a shorter amount of time as well as then burning through them at an exponential rate compared to a normal, non-speedster. 

            The news felt like another weight in his stomach, and it didn’t help that the testing itself was painful.  It was mostly blood draws, but Barry found blood draws very painful, enough so that he dreaded going in to have them done.  The only upside was that it was over quickly.

            He didn’t really have much time to think about it though.  After Caitlin told him and he tried to hide his obviously negative reaction to the news, Cisco was ushering him over to the treadmill instead, saying he had tinkered with the settings, that it should adjust automatically to Barry’s speed now as he ran.

            Barry welcomed the distraction.  He started running, worked up to his top speed, and then got frustrated when he couldn’t break it.  It felt like he could go faster, he knew he could go faster, he just needed a boost.  He told Cisco through the comms to increase the speed.

            “Dude, it’ll increase when you increase.  I increase the speed now you’re gonna go flying.”

            “No, I’ll match it if you speed it up, I just need the pressure and I’ll be able to do it.”

            “Barry –”

            “I can do it, I’m sure.”

            “Barry… OK, but just a little,” Cisco said.  He pushed it up twenty miles per hour, which was not much for Barry at this point, and kept his finger on the button to put it back.

            Barry wavered, fell back on the treadmill, then forward again, struggling, but keeping up.

            “Tell me if you want me to put it back,” Cisco said.

            “I’m good.  I can do it,” Barry said.  He just had to keep pushing himself.  He kept it up for another minute, and then felt himself falling behind on the treadmill just a little bit.  He was panting hard, his chest felt tight, and his legs burned.  He couldn’t keep a steady pace at it, kept moving back and forth on the treadmill because he’d slow, then burst forward again, and then slow, and so on.  And then suddenly he couldn’t sustain the pace anymore, and he slowed just a bit too much, and his back foot hit the end of the treadmill, and then he was flying.

            “Barry!”

            Bile rose in Barry’s throat as a sudden, arching pain ripped through his ankle.  He actually gagged from it, although he didn’t throw up.  His eyes watered and he panted through sick waves of pain, sharp and crushing.  He didn’t respond when Cisco first said his name, or when he pushed boxes of Styrofoam out from on top of him.

            “You alright Bar- oh.  Oh that’s not good.”

            Barry didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything, the pain was blurring his vision.  Cisco called for Caitlin and together they got Barry into a wheelchair to bring him to the med room.  The x-rays were a blur of pain, of Cisco taking his hand when he clawed at the table, of Caitlin telling him to take deep breaths.  She hooked him up to monitors as soon as it was done, afraid he was going into shock.

            He wasn’t.  His blood pressure had sky-rocketed and he was so pale he looked like he was going to pass out, but he wasn’t going into shock.  When Caitlin looked at the x-rays she almost wished he had.  The pain might have been dulled then.

            “Barry,” she said when she came back.  He was in a hospital bed now, half sitting up.  Cisco was talking to him, trying to distract him, but it didn’t look to be working.  Caitlin took Barry’s hand and he turned to her with dread.  “I’m going to have to set the bone,” she said, as gently as she could.

            Barry paled farther, and he started to tremble.

            “It’ll be over quick, OK?  And then you can just relax while it heals.  That’s all I have to do.  Just set it and then brace it, but that shouldn’t hurt too much.”

            “H-how… how long until you have to?” Barry said.  He swallowed hard.

            “I think it would probably be best to get it done right away,” Caitlin said.

            “But… how long until it’s too late?  And you’d have to re-break it?”

            Caitlin took a long breath.  “Probably only about twenty minutes Barry.  Even then, it might hurt more because it started healing.”  She paused.  “Barry, I really think it be a better idea to just get it over with right away.  Then it can start healing so it won’t hurt anymore.”

            “I wanna call Len,” Barry said.

            Caitlin blinked.  “Oh – you want to see if he can come over?”

            Barry nodded.

            “Alright,” she said, “he’ll have to be here in twenty minutes, Barry.  Otherwise you could always stay on the phone with him.”

            Barry nodded.  “Can you grab my phone?”

            Caitlin got it for him, and Barry’s fingers shook as he found Len’s contact in his phone.  He pressed it to his ear.

            “Hello?”

            “Len?”

            There was a pause.  “Hey, Scarlet, what’s going on?”

            Barry took a shaky breath. “I – I got hurt.”  He felt another wash of dread.  “I broke my ankle.”

            “Are you at Star?  Are you out somewhere – are you safe, is there someone still around you were fighting or –”

            “No – no I’m – I was – I was running on the treadmill, I’m fine, I’m at Star, it just… they – they have to set it, Len.”  Barry’s voice cracked and the other end of the line was silent for a moment.  Barry took in a shuddering breath.  “Can you come over?”

            Another pause, and then, “Yeah, Scarlet.  I can come – I’ll leave right now, OK?  It’s gonna be OK.”

            “Are you at the apartment?” Barry asked.

            “No,” he said, and Barry felt a wave of dread again, of utter disappointment and pain.  “I’m at Lisa’s,” Len continued.

            The relief was crushing.  Barry and Len’s apartment was almost exactly twenty minutes from Star, but Lisa lived closer, was only about ten minutes away.

            “OK – OK good.  They – they can only wait twenty minutes,” he said.

            “I’ll be there.  I’m leaving now.  I’ll be there soon, Scarlet.  I have to get off the phone to take the bike now, OK, but I’ll be there soon, alright?  It’s gonna be OK.”

 

 

 

 

 

            Len arrived there seven minutes later, because traffic laws were for people whose boyfriend wasn’t in intense pain right then, and who cares about red lights when you have a motorcycle anyway.

            They were all set and waiting when he got there.  Caitlin had put the brace next to them, had Barry set up and as comfortable as possible.  She had warned him that they’d have to do it right when Len got there.  She had a hand on his shoulder when Len got there, rubbing circles while Barry tried to tell himself that it be fine, that it be over fast, it would only really hurt for a second.

            Another part of his brain told him it wouldn’t.  In fact, it would get worse.  The pain had finally settled down into barely tolerable as his bone started to heal, and once Caitlin set it all the pain would be back again and it would take another fifteen minutes to get back down to where it was now – another agonizing fifteen minutes.  Barry could only hope that it would be a little faster since it didn’t have to be broken again, was just being set.

            Len slid into a chair by his side when he got there, immediately went to grab Barry’s hand.

            “Hey,” he said, “how are you doing, Scarlet?”

            Barry took a deep breath.  He opened his mouth, then closed it again, then wavered for just a second before he composed it again.  It didn’t matter – his expression was very clear: he was afraid, he was in pain, and he was trying not to show it.

            “It’s alright,” Len said, “you’re gonna be fine.  It’ll only hurt for a second, then it’ll start feeling better.”

            Barry didn’t really think that was true, knew it was going to be a gut-wrenching pain for a lot longer than a second, that it never ended in just a second, it always kept hurting, always kept hurting even if it went down a little.  But he nodded at Len anyway, wanted to believe it anyway.

            “OK, Barry, I’m going to touch your ankle now.  I have to feel around a little.  I’ll be as gentle as I can.”

            Barry took a deep breath.  Len gave his hand a squeeze.  Barry winced when Caitlin touched his foot, couldn’t help the involuntary jerk backwards.  He rested his leg still again and let her touch around his ankle.  It was already swelling.

            He flinched violently when Caitlin actually started applying pressure.  His leg jerked back, his entire body stiffening and jolting on the bed.  It sent a white hot pain shooting up his leg.

            “Easy, Scarlet,” Len said.  Barry shuddered, and then continued trembling, his whole body shaking.  His face screwed up in pain and he sucked in sharp, fast breaths.

            “Barry, I’m just gonna have Cisco hold your leg for me, OK?” Caitlin said.

            Barry gave her a shaky nod, and then watched as Caitlin directed Cisco to apply pressure just above and below his knee.  It was uncomfortable, bordering on painful, how much weight Cisco was pressing down with, and Barry realized he was holding him still, so he couldn’t move away.

            His breathing jumped into hyperventilation and when Caitlin resumed feeling around his ankle he gasped, jerking back again only to be held in place.  When Caitlin kept going and the pain didn’t stop he twisted on the bed, crushing Len’s hand, balling his other one to a fist.  He bit down hard, clenching his teeth to keep from screaming.

            “It’s OK, it’s almost done,” Len said.  “Breathe, Scarlet.  It’s alright.  Just breathe.”

            Barry finally let out a choked off cry, pain running in waves and bursts up his leg.  Sweat beaded up on his forehead and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the pain, trying desperately to dull the pain.

            “OK,” Caitlin said.  Barry let out another gasp, tried to take in a breath as the pain momentarily lessoned.  Even then it was still bad, Caitlin was still holding his ankle, still applying some pressure.  He was about ready to beg her to stop.  “I’m going to set the bone now, Barry, OK?”

            No, no, not OK, he needed a break first, a break.  He looked, panicked and desperate, at Len and shook his head, tried to shake his head.  There were black spots in his vision, his stomach churning.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, and he ran a hand through Barry’s hair, squeezed with his other hand, still in Barry’s.  “It’s gonna be all over after this, and then it’ll start feeling better.”

            Panic bubbled up in his chest and Barry shook his head, tried to open his mouth but all that came out were gasps and pants.  He wanted to tell them to stop, but he couldn’t.

            “Alright, Barry, take a deep breath for me now.”

            No, no, no, they needed to stop.  He tried to move his leg, tried to move forward, but Cisco held his leg down and Len placed his empty hand on Barry’s shoulder.  Barry turned to him, and then there was a crack.

            White hot, blinding pain tore up Barry’s leg and he screamed.  His stomach flipped and he threw up over the side of the bed, away from Len.  And then he screamed again.

            His vision blurred and people were talking but he couldn’t hear them, could only feel the pain, the encompassing, wave after wave pain.  He was gasping, shaking, arching away.  And then he passed out.

            He woke up only two minutes later.

            They had all been hoping he’d stay out for the worst of the healing, but he only got a couple of minutes of respite before his eyes were blinking open and his body went tense again.  He started breathing too fast, and before his eyes were even open his face was screwed up in pain.

            “Easy, Scarlet,” Len said, as Barry jolted upright, taking in his surroundings.  Len put a hand up on his shoulder.  “It’s OK.  It’s all over now.  Just have to let it heal.”

            But Barry was already shuddering, shaking his head.  He moved his foot, already in the brace, only to nearly scream from the pain it caused.  He was still in so much pain, confused from having passed out and then just woken up.

            His eyes were full of panic, and Len moved his hand to place it against the side of Barry’s face.

            “Barry,” he said, “It’s OK.  Look at me. It’s OK.  It’s done now, it’s just healing.  You’re OK.  It’s all over now.”

            Barry shook his head and let out another choked off sound, trembling and writhing from the pain.

            “It hurts,” he said, and it came out gasping, quiet, as he tried to get out words around the gulps of air he was taking.

            “I know,” Len said, voice quiet and steady, “I know it hurts.  It’s going to get better now.”

            Barry shook his head, grabbing at Len’s other hand, the one against his face.  He grabbed at his wrist, squeezed.  “It hurts,” he said again, panic still written across his face, body tensed in pain, “it – it’s too much – please, Len – it hurts.”

            “It’s OK,” Len said, but his stomach was twisting.  “You’re OK.  It’s going to get better soon.”

            Tears fell down Barry’s face and the air in his throat caught on a sob, but this time he barely noticed.  Everything hurt, his ankle hurt so much, and he couldn’t think, couldn’t think beyond he needed it to stop, oh God, please make it stop.

            “It hurts,” Barry said, “Lenny, please.”

            “Shh,” Len said, and he moved his hand around to Barry’s back, let Barry lean over to lay his forehead against Len’s shoulder.  Len wrapped his arms around him and then rubbed circles over his back.  “It’s OK.  I know it hurts a lot – it’s going to get better soon.  It’s going to stop hurting soon, Barry, I promise.”

            “It hurts,” Barry cried, the words muffled as he said them into Len’s shoulder.  He let out another sob.  “Oh God, it hurts, make it stop.”

            Len held him, and rubbed his back, and Barry cried against his shoulder, shaking and gasping for another five minutes.  Then the pain finally seemed to abate by at least a few degrees.  Barry was still in pain, still in a horrible amount of pain, but he didn’t feel like he was going to die any second anymore.  He stayed with his head against Len’s shoulder though, didn’t want Len to stop rubbing calming circles onto his back.

            Len leaned down and kissed the top of Barry’s head before pulling back slowly.  “Any better now?” he asked.

            Barry didn’t respond, just kept taking deep breaths in through his mouth, still shaking.

            “Think you’re up to moving enough to let me on the bed with you?”

            Barry looked up at that and nodded.  Len let go of him to help him shift over on the bed.  Then Len got up onto it and pulled Barry across his lap, so Barry’s head was resting on Len’s chest.

            “Do you want anything, Scarlet?” Len asked.  He was talking in that tone – the tone Barry recognized as the one Len used whenever Barry was upset or scared.  It was soft and steady, calming, and just about as gentle as Len’s voice ever got.

            Barry shook his head.

            “Are you sure?  Water?”

            He nodded.

            Caitlin brought over a water bottle, and Barry drank some.  She asked if he wanted them to set up a movie, or if he wanted a tablet or a book or something while he healed.  He just shook his head.

            Even after the pain started to abate some more, even after the nausea settled in his stomach, after his breathing evened out, he kept trembling.  He couldn’t seem to stop.  Len kept alternately rubbing his back and playing with his hair, and Barry shut his eyes and tried to focus on that – tried to focus on those sensations, and on Len’s chest under his head, the steady inhale, exhale there, the heartbeat under his skin.  Although he didn’t feel like he was drowning in the pain any longer, he felt like at any moment he could be tugged back under, just barely able to tolerate it.

            When Caitlin and Cisco both left for a bit, Len leaned down and kissed the side of his head again.

            “Barry,” he said, and his tone was soft, still gentle but with that needling tone that usually meant he thought Barry was hiding something.  “Talk to me, Scarlet.”

            Barry shook his head.  He didn’t want to talk.  He wanted the pain to stop.  He just really, really wanted to stop being in pain.  It felt like it had been going on forever now.  He couldn’t think, and he felt strained, his concentration faltering.  It was getting harder to ignore, harder to focus on anything but the pulsing pain.

            “You’re OK,” Len said, and he kissed his forehead again.  “It’s OK.  It’s all over now.”

            Barry shook his head.  “It still hurts,” he said.  There were tears gathering in his eyes again.  He had always been worse with continuous pain, even before the lightning.  He used to get migraines so bad he would cry, because they just wouldn’t stop, felt like all he’d ever known was pain.  They’d stopped occurring as he got older, but he still remembered the dread in his stomach as one started.  It was never as bad at first though, and it wasn’t really because they got worse – he just couldn’t deal with it continuing for so long.

            “Bad?” Len asked.

            Barry nodded.

            “It’ll stop soon,” Len said.  “You heal quick.  It’ll be over soon and we’ll go home.”

            But Barry shook his head, took in a sharp breath as another sob threatened to come up his throat because _he couldn’t do this_.  “I want it to stop now,” Barry said.

            “I know, baby,” Len said, his voice quiet, hand still moving in circles over his back.

            “I really, really want it to s-stop hurting,” Barry said, his voice wavering.  It came out of his mouth even as he recognized how pathetic it must sound.  Of course he’d want it to stop hurting, no one liked being in pain.  But he couldn’t help it, couldn’t help saying it because he did, he just wanted it to stop, would do anything to make the gnawing, searing pain in his leg stop.

            “I know, Scarlet.  I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.  You’re going to be OK though.  Is it going down at all?”

            Barry nodded.  “Yeah, but… not much.  It still… it’s still really bad and I… I just… I don’t do well with long things… so it… it feels worse.”

            “No one does well with long things, Scarlet,” Len said, “it’s OK that it’s hard to deal with.  It is going to stop though.  This won’t last forever, Scarlet, I promise.”

            Barry sniffed.  There were more tears in his eyes and he wiped at them with the side of his hand.  His body shook with another repressed sob.  It hurt so much and he kept thinking of what Caitlin had said, that it would be worse for him now, that his body was making it more painful, that he was undergoing more pain, would continue to undergo more pain.

            “Hey,” Len said.  Barry looked up again, just enough to meet Len’s eyes.  Len ran his fingers through Barry’s hair again.  “It’s just me and you,” Len said.  His voice was soft, not much more than a whisper.  “You don’t have to be a hero right now, Barry.  You don’t have to be strong for anyone.  It’s alright that it hurts – it’s alright that you want it to stop.  It’s OK if you get upset.  It’s OK if you get really upset.”

            And Barry started to cry, because it hurt and it felt like it would never stop and he felt like Len had just given him permission, that it was OK for him to not be OK.  Len held him, and rubbed his back and kept telling him he was alright, it would stop soon.

            He fell asleep near the end.  Not until he’d gone through at least another hour and a half of the searing, pulsing pain.  By then it finally died down enough and he was finally exhausted enough to fall into a fitful sleep.  Caitlin woke him up a couple hours later when it was healed and told him he was all set to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so we get to see Len - anyway, I have some ideas for the next chapter, but if anyone has any ideas on what should happen next, please comment and let me know! I'd love some suggestions. Thanks for reading, and let me know what you thought of this chapter!


	3. Shots

They went home, Barry spent the night curled around Len, sleeping fitfully.  The nightmares had started up again shortly after gaining his speed – a combination of his now constantly restless body, the similarity of his powers to the man in yellow’s dredging up old memories, and the stress of becoming the Flash.  And as far as stress went, breaking his ankle and suffering through the healing process without any kind of painkillers was pretty high on the list.

            It wasn’t a good night.

            He was exhausted the next day, which predictably did not help things.  He had to go back in to do one final x-ray to make sure everything was alright, and although that wasn’t painful, it was a little nerve wracking.  Barry kept wondering what it was exactly that they were looking for, and what exactly were they planning on doing if it wasn’t healed right.  Even the thought of undergoing some type of surgery sent his stomach churning.

            It wasn’t helped by the fact that his ankle had been aching all day.  It was supposed to be healed by now.  It wasn’t supposed to still hurt.  He started thinking something was wrong, thinking something had to be wrong and that was why Caitlin needed another x-ray.  They were going to have to re-break the bone and then re-set it, or worse, cut into him and perform surgery while he was still awake.

            The more he thought about it, the more his ankle seemed to hurt.  Every time he moved it the same ache seemed to reverberate through his bones.  By the time he was done with work for the day and leaving for Star Labs he was wringing his hands, sweating.

            Caitlin got him in the x-ray when he got there.  It didn’t take her long to realize Barry was nervous, but she didn’t say anything about it, just tried to be gentle when she positioned his leg and to explain everything she was doing.  She figured he might be getting nervous around medical equipment considering he had probably started associating it with pain.

            “It all looks good,” Caitlin said when it came through.  She showed him the tablet when he came over to look over her shoulder.  “Everything’s healed correctly.”

            The relieved breath he let out surprised her.  She turned back to look at him.

            “And you’re… you’re sure?  Everything is fine?”

            “Yep,” she said, “it’s all healed perfectly, Barry.  Because you heal so fast, as far as I can tell, you’re body adjusts and adapts to injuries better than most people’s.”

            “Oh,” he said, “OK.  I thought… I thought maybe something was wrong, and that’s why you needed another x-ray.”

            Caitlin blinked, and then felt her stomach sink.  “I – no, Barry, I just wanted to see how the bone had healed – to check one more time that it was all set but also to just track how your body heals now, I – I’m sorry, Barry, I should have made that clearer, I didn’t think anything was wrong.”

            “Oh,” he said, “I… OK.  Don’t worry about it, I just… it um… it’s been hurting a little bit.”

            Caitlin frowned.  “It’s been hurting?  Today?”

            Barry nodded, fidgeting a little.

            “Does it hurt now?”

            “It aches a little.”

            Caitlin’s frown deepened.  “Let me do an MRI.”

            Barry’s face paled a little.  “You think – you think I could have torn something?”

            “No,” Caitlin said, “I don’t think you tore anything.  I think it is very, very unlikely that you did any muscular or ligature damage, and I think it’s even more unlikely that your body wouldn’t heal it by now if you did, but I want to make sure.”

            So she took an MRI of Barry’s ankle.  It came out perfectly normal as well.

            “Is it psychological?” Barry asked.  “I didn’t get much sleep last night.  Could it just be stress?”  He looked down at his ankle.  Psychological sounded a lot better than something physically wrong, and he knew that even though he felt rattled by the whole ordeal now, he’d feel much better in a couple days.

            “It’s possible,” Caitlin said, but there was sigh in her voice, and she bit her lip for a second after she said it, flipping through some of the data she had on Barry’s healing factor.

            “Cait,” Barry said.  He didn’t like the way she said it, the tone of voice.

            “Did you experience any delayed pain with your other injuries?” Caitlin asked.  “Or residual pain?  With the stitches, did that hurt at all afterwards?”

            “No,” Barry said, “I mean, not really.”

            “Not really?”

            “Maybe a little bit.  I thought it was just in my head – I was paying too much attention to it.”

            Caitlin nodded, then let out a breath.  “It’s possible that because of the reduced effectiveness of your body’s natural painkillers, you’re experiencing the pain from over sensitized nerves.  We don’t have a ton of information on it, but there’s evidence that suggests people experience pain from injuries a long time after they stop reporting pain – their bodies are just masking it with natural opioids.  It might be linked to chronic pain.”

            Barry swallowed hard.  Chronic pain.  Chronic pain with no pain meds and a reduced ability to produce any kind of natural pain relief.

            “So every time I get injured, I could… I could experience residual pain from it for the rest of my life?  My ankle could hurt for the rest of my life now?”

            His voice was escalating, thinking about how annoying the ache was, thinking it wasn’t that bad, but after a week of this, a month, a _year_ – and how many more times would he be injured as the Flash? 

            “No,” Caitlin said, and Barry let out a breath.  “At least, I don’t think so.  Like I said earlier, your body not only heals faster than most people’s, Barry – it heals _better_.  I think this might mean you’ll feel some residual pain for a couple days after getting injured.  Maybe longer, maybe shorter – it would probably depend on the severity of the injury. I don’t think it means you’re going to develop chronic pain in the way that other people do.”

            Barry ran a hand through his hair.  “So I… it’ll hurt afterwards, but it’ll stop.  OK, I… I can deal with that.”

            “How bad is the pain in your ankle now?” Caitlin asked.

            “Not bad,” he said.  “It aches.  It doesn’t hurt much at all when I’m not putting pressure on it.  It’s worse when I run, but it still just aches, it’s not – not sharp pain.”

            Caitlin nodded.  “OK,” she said, “and are you still experiencing any pain from your other injuries?”

            “No,” he said.

            “OK,” Caitlin said, “then I’m going to assume that this will go away too, but if it doesn’t, let me know.  Did this happen when you broke your wrist that first time running?”

            Barry nodded.  It just hadn’t been as bad, and they didn’t know much about his healing then.  He thought it was normal then, and it hadn’t lasted long, not even a full 24 hours.  That also hadn’t been as bad of a break.  It didn’t need to be set, and he’d passed out shortly after breaking it, and then stayed out for a considerable time.  By the time he woke up the pain was bad but not near as horrible as the break in his ankle had been.

            “It wasn’t as bad though,” he said.

            She nodded.  “This was a bad break.”

            He left a little while later.  He ran back to the apartment, so his ankle was throbbing again when he got there.  He walked into the kitchen and placed his foot on a chair, frowning as he rubbed at his ankle.  He’d stopped back at the precinct before heading home, to pick up some papers, so it was a much longer run than anything else he’d done that day, and the pain surprised him.

            “Is it still bothering you?” Len asked.

            Barry started, and turned to where Len was standing, in the entranceway to the living room.  He relaxed again and nodded.

            “Caitlin said it should go away soon,” he said, “but she thinks I develop some sort of chronic pain even after injuries heal.”

            Len frowned and walked over.  “How bad is it?”

            Barry shrugged.  “Not that bad.  Worse when I run.”

            Len gave him a funny look. “You know, I could have gone and picked you up.”

            “It’s not that bad,” Barry said, “I can run, it just… doesn’t feel great after.”

            Len sighed.  “Is this because of the endorphin thing too?”

            He nodded.  “Cait thinks so anyway.”

            “Do you want to try to ice it?” Len said.

            Barry shook his head.  He moved around Len to the cabinets to grab a glass of water.

            “Do you think running helps at all?” Len said.  “Exercise is supposed to release endorphins too.”

            Barry shrugged, turning back towards him with the glass in hand.  “It hurts worse after I run, but I don’t know if it be better if it wasn’t my ankle – if it was my arm or my hand or something, and running didn’t put stress on it.”  He took a sip of the water.

            “Have you tried jerking off?”

            Barry nearly spit the water back out.  As it was, he choked on it.  Len gave him an unimpressed look.

            “Why would I do that?” Barry said.  A blush covered his face, eyes flicking up and down like they did when he was embarrassed or nervous.

            “Because it releases endorphins,” Len said slowly.  “And because you usually jerk off at least once a day.”

            “I have an increased metabolism,” Barry said, almost as a whine.

            Len smirked.  “I’m aware.  Increased sex drive.  So, did that help at all?”

            “I don’t think so,” Barry muttered.

            Len stepped forward, placed his hand over Barry’s, and carefully took the glass of water from him before setting it down on the table, and placing his arms around Barry’s neck.

            “Why don’t we find out,” he said.

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            “I’m going to have to give you some shots,” Caitlin said.

            Barry tried to control his expression.  Shots weren’t that bad.  Shots would be fine.  They only hurt for a second.

            Except for when they didn’t.  When the sharp pain turned into a burning fire under his skin, or when it melted into an ache that spread through his whole shoulder, or when it hurt so much he could barely move his arm afterwards, or –

            Right, controlling his expression.  He took a deep breath.  He had just come back from facing a metahuman, one that grew spikes that injected various toxic substances into whatever they stuck.  Barry had gotten pricked by several, and while his body had fought off most of the immediate effects, there was possibility for a dozen types of infections and dangerous side effects if he didn’t get the antidotes, vaccines, and antibiotics Caitlin had gotten ready.  He had been hoping it would just be an IV, and he’d only have to be stuck once with a needle, then Caitlin could give them all to him one at a time through that.

            “OK,” he said, “how many?”

            Caitlin shot a look at Cisco, and Barry’s stomach sank.

            “Some of them are series,” she said, “so they have to be timed.  Most people would need them months apart, but because of your healing it’ll only be an hour or so, some of them less.  Do you want to give Len a call and see if he can come over for them?”

            Barry’s hands tightened at his sides and he could feel his body heating up.  His mouth felt dry.  “Caitlin,” he said, “how many shots?”

            She paused.  “There’s a couple that I’ll need to see how your body reacts to in order to determine how many doses you need, but… it’s a lot, Barry.  You’re probably going to want someone with you though – I mean, we’ll be with you the whole time of course, but it’ll probably be nice to have Len or Joe or Iris here too.”

            Barry swallowed.  “OK but… give me a number.  How many?”

            Caitlin looked at Cisco again, and then looked back.  “If everything goes the way I think it will… seventeen.”

 

 

 

 

 

            “This one shouldn’t be as bad,” Caitlin said.

            Barry forced himself to look away, to look back at Len.  There was a lump in his throat he couldn’t force down and he was squeezing Len’s hand hard, his body feeling feverish, chest feeling tight.  His heart was beating too fast and he had to force himself to take even breaths.  Both his arms already hurt, one a massive bruise that Caitlin assured him would be gone in another fifteen minutes, the other one a pulsing knot of pain, where Caitlin was about to stick him again.  It was only the sixth one.  He wasn’t even halfway done.

            “Take a deep breath,” Len said, giving his hand a squeeze.  Barry took in a long breath, was just about to let it out again when Caitlin gave him the shot.

            He squeezed his eyes shut, cutting off a choking sound that wanted to come out.  She was right, this one wasn’t as bad, but it set his nerves on fire anyway, seemed to make the intense ache that was already over his entire upper arm on that side burn again.  It wasn’t a searing pain like a couple he’d had already, but combined with the pain of the previous shots in that arm, it still hurt.  A lot.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “it’s all done.  Just breathe, Scarlet.”

            Barry took in shuddering breaths.  Oh God, how was he supposed to do ten more of these?  He didn’t think he could do three more of these.

            He’d had plenty of blood draws as the Flash, but he hadn’t had very many shots before that day, and he didn’t know if these ones were just bad because Caitlin had to make the formula stronger, or if it was entirely his endorphin-lacking healing, but this was quickly verging into straight up hell to go through.  His arms hurt.  He wanted to stop.

            “Can we take a break?” he said.  Maybe if he could let his arms heal before the next ones it wouldn’t be so bad.

            Caitlin’s mouth twisted.  “I’m sorry, Barry.  I need to give you the next one now, but after that we can wait five minutes.”

            Barry tried not to let the disappointment and anxiety show on his face.  He didn’t want the next one now.  He just wanted a break.  And he definitely wanted longer than a five minute one.  But when she moved around, to put it in his other arm, Barry couldn’t stop the flinch that jerked him away from her. 

            “Could – could you put it in my thigh instead?”

            Caitlin paused.  “Yeah,” she said, “I can do that.”

            Barry kicked off his shoes, followed by the sweatpants he was wearing.  It left him in only his boxers and he shivered.  Cisco grabbed a blanket from one of the cabinets and handed it to him. 

            “Thanks,” he said.  He spread the blanket over himself, leaving his left thigh uncovered.  Caitlin moved over to that side of the hospital bed again.

            “Which one is this?” Barry asked.

            Caitlin gave him a tight smile. “It’s another antibiotic one.  After this you don’t need another for another hour though.”

            Barry’s face paled, and a grimace was already forming by the time she finished speaking.  The antibiotic ones were the worst – at least so far.  They hurt like hell going in and then they burned – kept burning for another few minutes, kept aching much longer.  They had him tense and shaking, the pain threatening to overwhelm him.

            “Hey,” Len said, “look over here.”  Barry’s jaw set and he turned to Len, tried once again to push down the dread that came bubbling up his throat.  He closed his eyes.

            It was going to hurt.  It was going to hurt _bad_.  And there was nothing he could do but sit there and take it.

            “Easy,” Len said.  His hand came up around the back of Barry’s neck, thumb rubbing circles at the top of his spine.  “You’re OK.  Deep breath now.”

            Barry sucked in a breath.  Caitlin gave him the shot.  Pain ruptured under his skin and spread like electricity through his leg, pulsing with his heartbeat.  He let out a choked off cry, pitching forward when the pain kept coming, wanting to jerk away.  Len caught his other hand when he moved instinctually to grab at his thigh, try to rub at it, try to make the pain stop.  Len pulled his hand in close to his chest instead, pulling Barry with it, the hand behind his neck guiding his head down to Len’s shoulder.

            “It’s OK.  Just breathe.  Breathe through it.  You’re OK.”

            Barry grabbed at Len’s shirt, pain still making slicing waves through his leg.  Tears welled up in his eyes and he blinked to keep from crying.  Oh God, he just wanted this to be over.

            He got a five minute break after that.  He spent it leaning against Len’s shoulder while Len rubbed his back, told him he was doing a great job, that he was already almost halfway through.  After that Caitlin gave him another one, in his other thigh, and it wasn’t as bad. 

            “You can have another break now if you want,” Caitlin said, “but I need to start another series of four.  I can wait until we’re done with the antibiotic ones, but that means you’re going to be here a lot longer.”

            Barry’s face screwed up.  He wanted a break, really, really wanted a break, a longer one this time, but he also didn’t want to be there all day.  He knew it would only get worse the longer he was there, and he didn’t think he could put up with the stress for that long, even if the pain was more spaced out.

            “Can I have another ten minutes?” he said.  His arms were starting to feel better now.  He figured if he could wait another ten they’d be almost completely back to normal, so he could have the shots there again and they wouldn’t hurt as much.

            “Yes,” Caitlin said.

            They waited ten minutes.  Caitlin gave him the next one.  It hurt.  He had a couple more that weren’t that bad, and then it was time for the last antibiotic one.  They had left one of his arms free of shots for the last hour so that he could have it in that one, hopefully minimizing the pain.

            “Last one,” Len said.  Barry shut his eyes, tried not to tremble, and breathed in when Len told him to.  The pain was bad.  Barry couldn’t help the noise that came out of his throat, the way his breathing went too fast and too shallow.  Tears welled in his eyes again but he didn’t let them fall.  He pressed his forehead to Len’s shoulder again, breathing through the worst of it.  At least it was the last one.  Barry had to keep telling himself that – it was the last antibiotic one, the last of the bad ones.

            “I just want this to be done,” Barry said.  His voice was too shaky still, and he was trying to pull it back together.

            “You’re doing great,” Len said.  He kissed the side of his head.  “Halfway done.”

            Caitlin waited a few minutes, and then touched Barry’s elbow gently.

            “Barry,” she said.  She waited until Barry turned, looking apprehensive.  “I need to check some of your levels for a couple of the shots – to see if you need more or if we can skip them – I’m going to need a blood test for that.”

            Barry’s face fell.  “You didn’t say anything about a blood test,” he said.

            “I’m sorry, Barry,” Caitlin said, “I have to take one to see what you need.”

            Barry looked away, tried to mask the disappointment, crestfallen, the sinking feeling in his stomach.  It was just a blood test.  They weren’t even as bad as the shots.  It was just that it was another thing, one more thing, something else to add to the list.  He just wanted it done, it already felt like too much and now she was adding even more.

            “It’ll only take a second, Barr,” Len said.

            Barry didn’t say anything as Caitlin gently took his arm.  He tensed up, and Len tried to get him to relax a little before Caitlin found a vein.  Barry clenched his teeth when she slid the needle in, squeezing Len’s hand.  It hurt.  It hurt more than Barry ever remembered blood tests hurting before he became the Flash, and the stress of all the shots was wearing on him, making things worse, the anxiety adding to the pain.

            She finished taking it, and disappeared for a few minutes.  Len ran his fingers through Barry’s hair.

            “I hate this,” he said, his voice quiet.

            “I know,” Len said, “it’ll be over soon.  You’re already more than halfway through.”

            “I just want it over with.”

            “We could see if Caitlin can give you more now – she and Cisco could probably give you two at a time.”

            Barry’s stomach tightened.  “I don’t know if I can do that.”

            “If the anxiety is worse than the pain right now, it might be worth it to eliminate some of that anticipation – just get it done at once.”

            “I don’t know,” Barry said.  The idea of doing two at once… it wasn’t exactly appealing. 

            “You don’t have to,” Len said, “just an idea.”

            “It really hurts,” Barry said, “every time it finally stops I have to get another one.”

            “I know,” Len said, “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

            Caitlin walked back in then.  Barry took one look at her face and he suddenly felt nauseous. 

            “What?” he said.  “What is it?”

            “I’m sorry, Barry,” Caitlin said, “You’re body isn’t absorbing the antibiotics well enough.  You’re going to need at least a couple more.”

            Barry’s stomach dropped.  “No,” he said.

            “I’m sorry, Barry,” Caitlin said.  “I’m going to hook you up to an IV too, to see if I can give you some of it through that, if that will help you absorb it better.  We’re going to have to do a couple more in this series too.”

            Barry clenched his hands.  “We just got done with them,” Barry said, “you said – you said that would be the _last one_.”

            Caitlin’s face was pained.  “I’m sorry, Barry.  I thought it would be.”

            Barry’s face screwed up.  He felt like crying.  Another couple at least – they hurt so much, he couldn’t do any more, she had said they were over, they were finally over.

            “Hey,” Len said, and Barry turned, head down.  Len cupped the side of his face.  “It’s OK, Scarlet.  It’s just a couple more.  You can do it.  I know you can.”

            Barry shook his head.  “They _hurt_.”  His voice cracked.

            “I know, Barr,” Len said, his voice soft, “but you got through them before, you’ll get through it again.”

            “They’re so much worse than the other ones,” he said.

            “I’m going to have to give them to you a little closer together,” Caitlin said, “so I need to put the IV in now.”

            “I don’t _want_ an IV,” Barry said.

            “Shh,” Len said, and he pressed Barry back, so he was lying against the back of the bed again, inclined.  He was breathing hard now, eyes red.  Len carefully took his hand again.  Barry had his other arm drawn in tight to his chest, away from Caitlin.  “Easy,” he said, “you’re OK.  This one’s just a pinch.”  He took Barry’s other hand for a moment, gave it a squeeze, and then leaned across the bed to place his hand on the opposite side, where Caitlin took it.

            Barry trembled.  “I hate this,” he said.  He wanted to tell Caitlin he was done, he didn’t care about the consequences, he wasn’t doing the rest of the shots.  He wanted her to leave so Len could hold him and he could cry. 

            She stuck him again, and Barry closed his eyes.  He flinched, curling up on the bed, before relaxing again.  The pain at least faded quickly.  As she hooked up the IV though, a sharp stinging pain suddenly slid through his hand and he cried out, not expecting it.

            “It burns,” he said, holding up his hand, looking at Caitlin, at the IV.

            “It’s the antibiotics,” she said, “it should go down in a minute.”

            But it didn’t go down, at least not much.  It was still a stinging, burning pain, and when Barry tried to rub at it Len took his hand away.

            “Leave it alone, Scarlet.”

            “It hurts,” Barry said, “I just – let go.”

            Len gave his hand a squeeze instead.  “If you pull it out, or jostle it too much, Caitlin will just have to put it in again.  I know you don’t want that, Barr.”

            And no, Barry really did not want another stick in his hand, but he still rubbed at his hand around the IV when Len let go of it.  He was just careful not to rub the actual IV line.  It didn’t really help anyway.

            “It still hurts,” Barry said when Caitlin came back, another couple shots on a tray she was carrying.  “Caitlin I – it still hurts. Can’t you – can you dilute it or something?  It really stings.”

            “I’m sorry, Barry,” Caitlin said, “if I give you less, you’ll probably need more antibiotic injections.  I can do that instead – but I don’t know how many more you’ll need.”

            Barry let himself fall back against the bed, hitting it hard.  Len stroked his hair again.

            “I’m going to put this one in your left arm.  Is that OK?”

            Barry nodded.  That one didn’t hurt much anymore.  The pain was almost entirely gone.

            “This one might be a bit worse,” Caitlin said, “it’s an antibiotic.”

            She didn’t give him time to really process that though.  She was already telling him to take a deep breath, the cue that she was about to inject him.

            The pain tore through his arm like fire.  It ripped up through his shoulder, seemed to encompass his entire left side.  He screamed, and then he curled inward, writhing.  It was searing, burning him alive.  Len grabbed his arms, tried to talk to him, tried to get his attention, and then Barry was sobbing, and Len stood up from the chair where he had been sitting and pulled Barry to him, getting up onto the bed with him just so he could hold him.  Barry cried against his chest.  Len let go of Barry’s arms to get up onto the bed, and in that brief period Barry ripped the IV out of his hand.  That was met with another yell of pain, his hand bleeding, skin torn.  While Len tried to control his thrashing movements Caitlin grabbed his hand and pressed gauze against it.  He was still squirming and whimpering when Caitlin inserted another needle, this one into his arm.  He yelled again, tried to pull away, and Len held his arms in while Caitlin hooking him up to the IV again.  He needed to be hooked up to it while the antibiotic was being absorbed if it was to make any difference.  She moved frantically.

            Once it was running through again though he flinched violently.

            “No,” he said, “no, please, take it out, it hurts.”

            “Shh,” Len said, “shh, Barry.  It’s OK.  Take a deep breath, just try to take deep breaths, Scarlet.”

            “No, no, please, it burns, take it out.”

            He struggled.  Cisco helped to hold him still.  It took another five minutes for him to finally go limp, exhausted.  He still trembled, whole body shaking, and he was breathing rapidly, too fast.

            “Please take it out,” he said.  He kept mumbling it, still crying.  “It hurts, please.”

            Len kept kissing his forehead, stroked his hair, his back.  When he finally stopped talking, when the shaking lessoned and he seemed to have finally relaxed again a little bit, he shifted so he could look at Len again.

            “Hey,” Len said. He tried for a smile.  “Do you want some water?”

            Barry nodded, and Cisco brought him a bottle.  Barry sipped it and then placed it down again.  Then Barry looked back up at Len again.

            “Len, I can’t do another,” Barry said.  His breathing was getting faster even as he spoke.  “I can’t do another of those, please don’t make me.”

            “Barry,” Len said, a cringe starting to break out on his face.

            Barry’s face crumpled.  “No,” he said.  “Please – you can’t.  I can’t do that again, Len, I… I can’t do that again.”

            “Shh,” Len said, “just try to relax now, Scarlet.  I’m right here.  It’s gonna be OK.”

            Barry trembled against him, more tears leaking out of his eyes, scared.  When Caitlin came back with the tray of shots he turned his face into Len’s chest.

            “Fuck,” he said, “I don’t wanna do this, idontwannadothis.”

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “deep breaths.  You’re OK.”

            “Is it the antibiotic?”

            Caitlin took a deep breath.  “Yes,” she said, “this one will hopefully not be as bad.”

            Barry turned back against Len.  “Why does it hurt so much?”  He nearly sobbed it.

            “I’m overloading your system with the antibiotics,” Caitlin said, “It’s the only way to get you to absorb enough of it.  I think this will be the last one though.”

            “Last one, Barr,” Len said.  “You can do it.  It’ll be OK.”

            Caitlin didn’t wait any longer.  She didn’t want to wait and have him just work himself up more, become more nervous.  She injected his thigh this time, hoping it would mean he’d thrash less. 

            It was not any better than the first one.  Barry screamed, and writhed, and cried, and then he threw up.

            He was covered in sweat, shaking, and twitching on the bed when it was over.  Len was still holding him, the IV still in his arm.

            “Please don’t make me do any more,” Barry said.  His eyes were desperate, like he was only half there – like he was half gone already.  “I don’t wanna do anymore.”

            “Shh,” Len said.  He wiped sweat off Barry’s forehead with the back of his shirt sleeve, and pushed a hand through his hair.  “It’s almost over.”

            “Can I please have the IV out?” Barry said.  He turned to Caitlin when she came back in.  “Can I have the IV out now, please?”

            “I need to take another blood sample,” she said, and she wasn’t even finished when Barry whimpered, curling against Len, shaking his head.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “this one’s just a pinch.  Just a pinch and it’s over.

            “If everything’s all set I can take the IV out,” Caitlin said.  She got a syringe and took Barry’s arm. 

            “I hate this, I hate this, I hate this,” Barry said, mumbling into Len’s side, face screwed up, tensed in anticipation.

            “Just relax,” Len said, “take a deep breath, Barry.  Come on, deep breath.”

            Barry shook his head, was almost holding his breath instead.

            “Barry,” Len said, saw where Caitlin was waiting.  “Barry, breathe.”

            He took shallow, fast breaths instead.  Len frowned.

            “Barry, try to take deep breaths.  I know it’s hard, but it’ll help you relax, OK?”

            Barry shook his head.  “I don’t wanit,” he said, still mumbling, shaking, “I don’t want the needle.”

            “I know, Barr,” Len said, stroking his hair again.  “This one’s not so bad.  It’ll be over fast.”

            He shook his head again.

            “Can you take a deep breath for me?”

            “No.”

            “Barry –”

            “Idontwanttheneedle,” Barry said, almost too fast for Len to understand, “ifitakeadeepbreathyoullgivemethe _needle_.”

            Len sucked in a breath, closed his eyes for a second.  “Scarlet, it’s just to help you.  We’re gonna have to give you that poke now either way, so why don’t you just take a deep breath anyway.  It’ll help it not hurt so much.”

            Barry adamantly shook his head.  Len sighed, a pained expression on his face and turned to Caitlin.  She inserted the needle.

            Barry jolted, let out a choked off sound, and tensed all up again.  He whimpered while Len tried to soothe him, until Caitlin finished getting the sample.  She left to go process the sample, and then came back a few minutes later with the results.

            “You don’t need any more antibiotic shots,” she said.  “You need the next in the other series in a half hour.  I’m going to wait until after that before we start anymore, OK, Barry?  Unless you want to.”

            Barry shook his head.  Caitlin took the IV out.

            He managed to fall asleep after only a few minutes, exhausted from the ordeal so far.  Len gently shook him awake before Caitlin gave him the next shot.  It wasn’t a bad one, and although still quite painful, Barry got through it and then went quiet again.  He didn’t fall asleep this time, but he laid on the bed with Len’s arms around him, Len petting his hair.  They stayed like that for another twenty minutes or so before Caitlin came back.

            “I can wait a little bit longer if you’d like, Barry,” Caitlin said, “but I have the next shots ready for you.”

            Barry grimaced.  He wasn’t currently in any pain, and he’d come down from the stress of the antibiotic injections at least in part.  He wasn’t particularly keen on changing that situation.

            “How many more?” he asked.

            “Seven,” she said.

            Barry’s face crumpled.  “Seven?”  His voice was too high, thin, trying not to crack.

            She nodded.  “You needed a couple more than I thought you would.  I wasn’t planning on those extra antibiotics.”

            Barry closed his eyes.  He just wanted to go home.  He clenched his teeth, then his hands, and opened his eyes again.

            “Can you get them all done now?” he asked.  “Can you just… I just really want it to be over.”

            “Two of them will have to wait a half hour,” she said.  “I can do those first though and try to get the rest done now.”

            Barry nodded, made himself nod before he changed his mind.  He just wanted it over with, wanted to go home, wanted the stress of constantly anticipating pain to end.

            “OK, Barr, I’m gonna do this one in your arm, OK?”  She took his arm gently, and Barry turned away, his breathing kicking up before she’d even done anything.

            “Deep breaths,” Len said, and Barry nodded, took a long breath.

            Caitlin injected him.  Barry tensed and squeezed his eyes shut, pain ripping through his arm and shoulder.  He clenched his teeth to keep from crying out, and Len squeezed his hand.

            “It’s alright,” he said, “over now.  It’s OK.”

            Caitlin moved to his thigh, and gave his knee a comforting pat.  “I’m all set to do the next one if you want to get it over with now, Barry.  Just tell me when.”

            “Go,” Barry said, squeezing his eyes shut again, before the pain in his arm really died down much at all.  He just wanted it done, wanted them done, had to keep going or he’d lose his nerve and make her stop instead.

            She injected him.  That one was worse.  He cried out at that one, couldn’t help it.  His fingers dug into Len’s hand where it squeezed his, his other hand clenched at Len’s shirt.

            “ _O-ow_ ,” he said.  He took a shaky breath, tried to breathe through the pain.  Caitlin went around to his other side, at his thigh.  She waited a moment this time.  Barry rocked back and forth, teeth clenched again, the pain searing.  “Ow,” he said, “it – ow.”

            “Whenever you’re ready, Barry,” Caitlin said once he stilled a bit more.  She placed a hand on his thigh.

            Barry waited a little longer, another few moments to try to collect himself.

            “OK,” he said, and he buried his face against Len’s shoulder.  Caitlin administrated the shot.  It wasn’t as bad this time, and Barry whimpered against Len, the sound muffled, and Len held him there.

            “You’re doing so good,” Len said, “Doing so great, Scarlet.  You’re OK.  It’s OK now.”

            Caitlin took Barry’s other arm gently after a couple minutes.  She moved carefully, but Barry let her disentangle his arm, didn’t protest or pull away.  She wasn’t going to force him – not right now when they could wait if he wanted to.

            “Are you ready for the next one, Barry?” Caitlin asked.

            Barry nodded, still hiding against Len, face against his neck now.

            “OK, Barry, take a deep breath,” Caitlin said.  Barry did.  She injected him.

            This one was worse.

            Barry let out a half-pained, half-startled cry and jerked away.  Once Caitlin let his arm go he grabbed at it with his other hand, tears in his eyes, head tucked down, a sob wrenching up his throat.

            “Hu-urts,” he said, and another wracking cry came up his throat “Oh, God, it _hurts_.”

            “Shh,” Len said, “It’s OK.  It’s almost over.”

            The tears fell from Barry’s eyes and his mouth wavered again, another whimper leaving his throat.  He pressed his face to Len’s chest and Len kissed his forehead. 

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “you’re OK.  You’re OK.”

            Caitlin waited a minute, then moved back to his other arm.  When she touched his arm this time though, he jerked back, a cry coming out of his mouth.

            “No,” he said, and he sounded panicked, pulling his arm back, trying to hide against Len.  “No more.  Please.”

            “Barry,” Caitlin said, and she touched his back instead, rubbed soothing circles there.  “We can wait on that last one.  Do you want to wait until the half hour is up?  Then you can have the last three?”

            Barry nodded.

            “OK, Barr,” Caitlin said, “we’ll do that then.”

            A half hour felt more like twenty minutes though, since it was from the time they started the shots.  Barry had his face hidden again, started trembling the moment Caitlin walked back into the room.

            “Alright, Barry – I have to give you the second shots in those two series now,” Caitlin said.

            It had finally stopped hurting again, and Barry wanted to beg for just a few more minutes – just a few more minutes without pain.  A tear slipped down his face and Len started rubbing his back again.

            “Almost over, Scarlet,” he said.  “Caitlin’s going to get them done now.  It’s almost over.”

            She took his arm, gave him the first shot, waited a couple minutes while he clenched his teeth and squirmed and cried just a little against Len’s shoulder.  It wasn’t a bad one – Barry was just so sick of the pain.  The next one was a little worse, but not much.  Len shushed him, and Barry shook.

            “OK, Barry,” Caitlin said after waiting a couple minutes after the second shot.  “There’s just one more.  We can wait on this one for a little bit if you want, but it’s the last one.  After this you’re all done and you can go home.”

            “I want it done,” Barry said.  He shuddered, body tensing up already as another sick wash of dread ran through him.  “I just want it done.”

            “OK, Barr,” Caitlin said, “we’ll do that then.  This is the last one.  Take a deep breath for me.”

            Barry tensed up and took a deep breath, closing his eyes.  Caitlin injected him and he cried out, the pain seeming to burn under his skin, a searing wave of fire over his arm and shoulder.  He pressed his face against Len’s chest and choked on another cry.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “it’s all over.  That’s it, Scarlet.  It’s all done now.  All over.”

            He kept mumbling reassurances until Barry wiped at his eyes and slid a little farther from Len again.

            “I can go now?” Barry said.

            Caitlin nodded.  “That was the last one.  You’re all set to go.  You don’t need any more shots.”

            The relief was crushing.


	4. Aftermath

            Len drove them home.  When they got there he walked Barry over to the couch, draped a blanket over his shoulders, and went to make some pasta and soup for dinner.  While it was cooking he brought Barry back a soda.

            “How are you feeling?” Len said.

            Barry shrugged.  “Shaky,” he said.

            He felt jittery and on edge.  And he was exhausted.  He wanted to go to bed, knew Len wouldn’t let him sleep until after he ate something.  His stomach was still rolling, and he wasn’t hungry.  His hands were shaking, but it had lessoned to a degree where you almost couldn’t notice.

            “We’ll lie down in a little bit,” Len said, “after we eat.  We can watch a movie.”

            “I just wanna sleep,” Barry said.

            Len reached out.  His palm slid over the back of Barry’s neck, fingers edging on the back of his head.  “You look tired,” he said, “I know you must be exhausted after that.”

            Barry nodded.  Len had to get up to check the food again.  Barry went into their bedroom while he was gone.  He changed into a pair of sweatpants, was going to grab a sweatshirt but then changed his mind.  He pulled off the T-shirt he was wearing and walked up to the mirror.  The last of the bruises on his arms were fading, almost completely gone really.  He rubbed over them, one, then the other.  A tinge of pain accompanied the action and he shuddered.  He pulled out a long sleeved T-shirt instead and put that on.  Barry found the feeling oddly comforting, like even having that layer helped, after so long of Caitlin sticking him in the arm.  It felt safe, and he took a breath at the realization.  It was stupid.  He was safe already, was fine, and anyway, it wasn’t like a thin layer of cotton was going to protect him.  He pulled on a sweatshirt afterwards anyway.

            He went into the kitchen when he came back out and sat down at the kitchen island.  Len turned around when he entered, mouth open, then closed it when he saw him and frowned.

            “What?” Barry said.

            Len walked over and put a hand on Barry’s forehead, then smoothed it over to the side of his face.  “You look pale,” he said, “are you feeling OK?”

            Barry shrugged again.  “I don’t feel sick,” he said.

            Len kept frowning.  “Maybe food will help.”

            Len finished cooking, and placed a plate of pasta in front of Barry, shortly followed by a bowl of soup.  Barry picked at both.

            “You need more than that, Scarlet,” Len said.  His voice was gentle, but it was an old argument.  Barry routinely didn’t eat enough – wound up losing weight in severe amounts quickly.  His weight fluctuated on a day to day basis even when he was eating everything he was supposed to – when he didn’t eat he could very quickly lose ten, twenty pounds.  Barry was pretty much hungry all the time, but if he was upset, or if he was busy, he often forgot to eat, or didn’t eat as much as he needed.

            “I’m not hungry,” Barry said.  “I really just want to go to bed, Len.  I’ll eat more in the morning.”

            Len’s frown deepened.  “I’d really feel better if you’d eat just a little bit more, Barr.  I know you’re not hungry, but you need food.  You’re body’s been through a lot today.”

            Barry picked at the food some more.  Cisco had cooked up a calorie powder for him as well as the calorie bars to eat, and the powder could be put in just about anything, and Len had doused the pasta sauce and the soup in the stuff.

            Len cleared Barry’s spot for him when he was finished eating, or at least when Barry gave him a look pitiful enough and Len had deemed the food he’d eaten a reasonable amount.  Barry went back into their bedroom and lay down, and Len followed him a few minutes later after changing and brushing his teeth.

            “It’ll feel better in the morning,” Len said, wrapping his arms around Barry.  Barry turned so he was facing him, curled up against him.  He knew it would.  He’d feel better in the morning, after he had rested, after he gave his body and his mind a chance to come down from the stress of the situation.  It didn’t mean he didn’t still feel shaky and hypervigilant and just awful right then.

            And as tired as he was, he couldn’t seem to fall asleep.  He shifted a few times, trying to find a more comfortable position.  Len rubbed his back, then played with his hair, then just held him.  He didn’t say anything for a while, just let Barry turn over and try to sleep again. 

            But Barry couldn’t sleep.  He kept replaying the day over in his head, how long it had been, how it had seemed like it would never end, just pain after pain.  And the last two antibiotic ones – he started shaking when he thought about it for too long.  They had hurt so much, had been so bad, and the dread and fear and panic at the thought of having to do the second one, at realizing he needed another one.

            He didn’t feel safe – felt like he had to stay awake to keep aware, like he couldn’t relax because something bad was going to happen, something else was going to happen.  He still felt so keyed up, so jittery.  Len’s arms around him and the heat of his body, pressure of his skin against him – it helped, but it didn’t negate the fear.  He just wanted to hide.

            “Hey,” Len said finally, when Barry moved yet again, trying to get closer to him this time.  He brushed a hand through Barry’s hair.  “What’s going on?”

            Barry shook his head.  “Just wanna sleep,” he said.

            “It looks like you’re having trouble with that,” Len said.  His thumb smoothed over Barry’s cheek, fingers still in his hair.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

            Barry shook his head.  Len kept playing with his hair, which felt nice, and he closed his eyes.  His body didn’t want to still though.  He shifted again a few moments later.

            “I can’t relax,” he said.  He pressed his face against Len’s neck.  “I still feel… I still feel scared… and… and panicky.  Like I’m not safe.”

            Len kissed the side of his face.  “You are safe,” he said, “no one is going to hurt you right now.  It’s just me.  I’m right here with you.”

            “I know,” Barry said weakly, “but… I feel like I’m not.  I feel like it hasn’t ended.”

            “The shots are all done,” Len said, “I know they were awful – today was awful, but it’s all done now.  You don’t have to do any more.”

            “They just hurt so much,” Barry said, almost mumbling into Len’s neck. 

            “I know,” Len said, and he was rubbing Barry’s back again, arms around him.  “And you did such a good job getting through it.  It was awful.  You’re OK though.  You’re going to be just fine.”

            “I know,” Barry said, “it just… it was so awful.”

            Len held him just a bit tighter.  “I know,” he said, “and it was horrible to watch too.  I don’t ever want to see you in that kind of pain again, Scarlet.  I’m so sorry you had to go through that.  You don’t deserve that.”

            “I was scared,” Barry said, his voice soft, almost too soft to hear.  “It was just… it just kept _going_.  And I – I just wanted it to stop, and the pain was so bad and every time it started to get better I had to have a-another.”

            “Shh,” Len said.  “It’s OK now though.  There’s no more pain now.  Just relax, Barr.  You’re OK now, I promise.”

            Barry sniffed, nodded. 

            “Why don’t you just try to take deep breaths now,” Len said, “I think that’ll help.”

            Barry nodded again and started taking deep, even breaths, inhaling slowly and exhaling even slower.

            “That’s it,” Len said.  “It’s OK now.  We’re just in bed now, safe, in the apartment.  Everything is OK.  You’re OK.”

            Len kept up the litany of reassurances for a while, voice soft, just a monotone of calming phrases.  It still took a while, but Barry eventually fell asleep, his body giving in to the exhaustion even if his mind still wanted to run.  Len let out a long breath afterwards, and finally settled in next to him, closing his eyes as well.

 

 

 

 

 

            Around eight the next morning Len blinked his eyes open.  He was lying on his back, Barry on his side next to him, one arm over Len’s stomach.  His breathing was deep and even, and Len carefully extricated himself from the bed, taking Barry’s arm and placing it gently over the blankets instead.

            He made himself breakfast, made enough for Barry too.  Usually Barry wandered out of bed an hour or two after Len did on weekends.  Len set the extra food aside in the fridge and sat down on the couch with a newspaper and his laptop.

            Around eleven when Barry still wasn’t up Len went back into the room to check on him.  He was still asleep, still breathing evenly, mouth parted slightly.  He had rolled over onto his back.  Len moved around the room quietly, getting clothes, before going to take a shower.  After getting out he went back to the living room.  He’d let Barry sleep for as long as he wanted to.  He’d looked exhausted the night before, and it had taken him a while to fall asleep.

            It wasn’t until past twelve, nearing one, that Barry emerged from their bedroom.  He shuffled out of the room and immediately went into the kitchen.  Len looked up from the laptop when he walked through.

            “There’s breakfast leftover in the fridge,” Len said.  “I made sandwiches too.”  When he didn’t get an answer he looked up again.  “Barry?”

            “Yeah,” Barry called from the other room.  It came out just the slightest bit shaky, and Len frowned.  He got up from the couch and went into the kitchen.

            Barry had the plate of sandwiches Len had put in the fridge out, along with a small bowl, and the mayonnaise.  He had the jar they kept his calorie powder in pulled to the edge of the counter.  It was open, and Barry had a spoon in his hand.  A hand which was shaking almost violently.

            Len’s brow furrowed in an instant, and he made the few quick strides over to him, one hand going over Barry’s back, the other to his wrist, to steady his hand.

            “Hey?” he said, “what’s wrong?”

            “I don’t think I ate enough,” Barry said.  Len looked over to find that Barry’s face was extremely pale as well.

            “OK, just sit down, I’ll get it,” Len said.  He steered Barry towards the kitchen island, and Barry sat down.  Len took a spoonful of calorie powder and dumped it into the bowl before mixing it with mayonnaise and putting it on one of the sandwiches.  He placed it in front of Barry, then went to do the same with two more.

            Barry ate one sandwich, and then was halfway through the second when he suddenly went even paler.  Then he was gone, and Len had a second to be confused before he heard retching coming from the bathroom.

            Len rubbed circles on Barry’s back while he continued to throw up over the toilet, then, after Barry had rinsed out his mouth and brushed his teeth, led him over to the couch in the living room.  Barry started to shiver, and Len placed a blanket around his shoulders.  He went back to the kitchen then returned with a plain piece of toast.

            “Let’s go a little slower,” Len said, “that was probably too much at once.”

            Barry ate the piece of toast, and then Len brought back another, this one with honey with calorie powder in it, just a little bit this time.  Barry got halfway through it then shook his head, looking queasy.

            They had turned on the TV, and Len sat with Barry for another twenty minutes, then asked if he could try a couple more bites of the toast. 

            Barry shook his head.  “I feel like I’m gonna throw up,” he said.  His voice was quiet.  His hands were still shaking, and he still looked pale.

            “I think once you manage to absorb some of those calories you’ll start feeling better,” Len said.

            Barry shook his head again.  Len didn’t press.  He decided he’d give it another fifteen minutes, then try to coax another couple bites from him.  But only about ten minutes later, Barry spoke suddenly, voice quiet, almost a whisper. 

            “I’m dizzy.”

            Len turned to him.  He put a hand against Barry’s forehead.  He felt hot, but then Barry always ran warm.  He frowned.

            “Maybe we should call Caitlin,” he said.

            Barry’s face crumpled, and he shook his head immediately.  “No,” he said, “I – I’ll try to eat a little more.”

            He took a couple more bites of toast.  He didn’t appear to get any better.

            “I think I’m feeling better,” Barry said.  Len frowned at him.  He looked him up and down again.  His face was just as pale, his hands were shaking just as much, and he was obviously attempting to stifle some shivers, even with a blanket over him and his side pressed against Len’s.

            “You don’t look like you’re feeling better, Scarlet,” Len said carefully.  “Do you want another blanket?”

            Barry nodded.  As if to try to prove his point, he asked for another piece of toast.  Len got him one, watched as Barry nibbled at it.  Barry saw him watching and then took a few bites instead.

            Two minutes later he was back in the bathroom throwing up.  And then there was sweat beaded up on his forehead, the trembling had spread to his legs when he tried to walk, and he was deathly pale.

            “Scarlet,” Len said, trying to keep his own worry out of his voice, “I think we need to call Caitlin.”

            Barry looked miserable.  He bit at his bottom lip, eyes on the ground, and then finally nodded, once.

 

 

 

 

            Len sat Barry down at the couch again, blankets over him, before saying he was going to call Caitlin and grab Barry a glass of water.  It was a pretty poor excuse to get out of earshot while he made the call, but Barry didn’t seem to really register it.  He just nodded, pulling the blankets farther around himself.

            Len made the call.  His stomach clenched and he poured Barry a glass of water before going back into the living room.

            Barry looked up when he entered.  Len handed him the glass of water.  It shook in his hands, and he had to use both to bring it up to his mouth.  Len waited until he put it down again before he spoke.

            “Caitlin wants you to come in,” he said, “so she can take a look.”

            Barry’s frown deepened.  “What does she think is wrong?”

            “She thinks it was probably the meta yesterday,” Len said. 

            Barry’s brow furrowed, fear entering his expression.  “Am I just… am I just sick?  Will I just… like a cold?  Or the flu?  Can I just… wait it out?”

            “I don’t know,” Len said.  “She’ll need to take a look.”

            “What kind of tests does she need?” he asked, dread leaking in as well now.

            “I don’t know,” Len said.

            “Probably a blood test, right?” Barry said, eyes darting down.  He clenched his teeth, shoulders tensing.

            “Probably,” Len said.

            “Did… did she say I needed more shots?”  His voice was so small.  Len took a deep breath, and in that moment Barry’s face crumpled.  The hesitation was all he needed.

            “She doesn’t know,” Len said.

            “But she thinks so,” Barry said, reading Len’s expression.  His hands started shaking more, another shudder running through him, whole body tensing further.

            “She thinks you might need a couple steroid shots,” Len said, “nothing like yesterday.”

            “Antibiotics?”

            “She doesn’t know,” Len said.

            Barry’s mouth tightened.  “No,” he said.  It came out so quiet, and Barry wrapped his arms around himself, rocking back and forth almost imperceptibly, “No… fuck.”

            He started to shake all over, and Len wrapped his arms around him, pulling Barry in, but Barry shook his head.

            “I don’t… oh God.”

            When the sob burst out of Barry’s throat, racked up his frame, Len was surprised by it.  Barry had a tendency to try to put up a brave front, and how quickly he was dissolving now had Len both shocked and worried.

            “I don’t wanna do that again,” Barry said, his voice sounding choked, “fuck, please not again.  Please.  I can’t do that again, I can’t – I –”

            “Shh,” Len said, “Barry, breathe.  We don’t know that you need them.  Just take deep breaths, Scarlet.  You might not need them.  We don’t know anything right now.”

            Barry still trembled, but he went silent, breath shallow and fast.

            “Deep breaths,” Len said, “you’re OK.  It’s going to be OK.  It might be nothing.  There’s no point worrying when we don’t know anything yet.”

            Barry was silent for a while.  When he did speak it was quiet again, his voice small.

            “Can you lie down in bed with me again?”

            Len took in a long breath.  “I think we need to head over to Star now, Scarlet.”

            Barry shook his head.  “No,” he said, “I’m fine.  Maybe – maybe it’ll just go away.  I just need to sleep it off.  It’s fine.  I’m tired.”

            “Barr,” Len said, “you might be right, and it might go away on its own, but it might not get better on its own, and we don’t want to wait and let it get worse.”

            “I’ll tell you if I start feeling worse,” Barry said.  “I’m tired, Len.  Please come lay down with me?”

            “Barry,” Len said, shifting, “we really need to go to Star Labs now.”

            Barry shook his head.  “I’ll go tomorrow.”

            “I don’t think it can wait until tomorrow,” Len said.

            “It might just get better if I rest more,” Barry said, “It’s just one day.”

            “And it’s only been one day since you were hit with all of that stuff from the meta, Barry.  You were fine last night.  If it continues at that rate, you’ll be much worse by tomorrow.”

            “I don’t think it’s getting worse,” Barry said, “I feel better.  I think it’s getting better.”

            “Barry,” Len said.  He was going to say something about lying to him, but then he saw the look on Barry’s face, and it was such a desperate optimism, like if he could convince himself he really was feeling better then he might actually be better.

            “I’m glad you’re feeling a little better,” Len said instead, and he smoothed his fingers through Barry’s hair.  “But you don’t look any better, and you just threw up again.  The shaking’s not better, and I think you have a fever.  You need to be checked out now.”

            “Whatever it is I’ll burn through it,” Barry said, “It – my body will fight it off.  I’ll be fine.  I just – I’m just going to give it one day.  If I’m not better tomorrow then I’ll go in.”

            “Barry, we need to go now,” Len said.

            “No,” Barry said, shaking his head again.  “I just need some more sleep.  I just – I’ll feel better tomorrow. I know I will.”

            “Barry,” Len said, “we have to go to Star.  You don’t know you’ll be better tomorrow, and we need to go in to have you checked out.  It will be OK, it’s probably nothing, you probably just –”

            “It’s probably nothing, so I’m probably fine, so I’ll just wait until tomorrow to see how I feel then,” Barry said.

            “Scarlet,” Len said, “I know you’re afraid, but you have to go get looked at.  If you don’t and it gets worse whatever Caitlin needs to do will only be worse too.  It’s going to be fine.”

            Barry’s mouth tightened, and suddenly he was gone from Len’s arms.  “I’m not going today.  I’ll go tomorrow,” he said, and he walked into their bedroom.

           

 

 

 

 

 

            Len called Caitlin back, asked if she absolutely needed to see him that day.  She said yes.  He asked if she could bring what she needed to the apartment.  She said no, she needed the equipment at Star Labs.  Len sighed.

            “Barry,” Len said.  He found Barry curled up under a pile of blankets on their bed.  His eyes were closed but Len could tell from the tense line of his shoulders and the shallow breathing that he was still awake.  “Scarlet,” he said, sliding into bed next to Barry, sitting on the edge of it.  He smoothed a hand over Barry’s back, or at least over the lump of blankets Barry’s back was under.  “Can you please talk to me?”

            “I’m sleeping,” Barry mumbled.

            “Barr,” Len said, “I know you don’t want to, and I know you feel really awful right now, and I know you’re scared, but we really need to go see Caitlin, Scarlet.”

            “’M not going,” Barry said.

            “We really need to go,” Len said.

            “No.”

            “Barry – this is your health.  What would you do if I was sick and refused to go to the doctors?”

            “We wouldn’t see a doctor the first day you got sick.  You’d wait a couple days and see if it went away first,” Barry said.

            “Barry, this isn’t a cold.  You got hurt yesterday.  We need to make sure it’s not going to really hurt you, Scarlet.”

            “I’m fine.”

            “It shouldn’t be that bad,” Len tried.  He traced patterns over the blankets.  “She’ll probably need a blood test, and I know those aren’t fun, but they’re not too bad.  And then you’ll probably just need a steroid shot, and then we’ll leave.  I know it’ll hurt, and it’s nerve-wracking, especially right after yesterday, but it’ll be OK. It won’t be terrible.”

            “You don’t know that’s what will happen,” Barry said.

            “You might not need anything,” Len said.

            “I might need a lot,” Barry said.

            “If you need a lot,” Len said, “then waiting will only mean that when you do go you’ll need even more.”

            “She could want x-rays.”

            “X-rays don’t hurt.”

            “I don’t like them.”

            “We don’t know that you’ll need them.  Even if you don’t like them, they won’t be terrible.  You’ll get through it.”

            “I don’t want to get through it.”

            “Barry, if we wait, and it gets worse, you could wind up in a lot of pain for no reason.  I don’t want to see that happen, Scarlet.  Let’s get this over with today, and then you won’t have to worry.”

            “I’m not going today.”

            “Barry, you’re not thinking this through –”

            “I don’t care.”

            “This isn’t any different than a broken bone or a cut, Barry, you can’t just sit on this, you have to have it taken care of now, especially because of your accelerated healing – if we wait it could get worse and it could get worse quickly and it could be very painful and very unpleasant to fix.”

            “I’m not going in today.”

            Len was at a loss.  As much as he might have liked to, he couldn’t simply drag Barry there.  He’d speed away before Len made it three steps.

            “Barry, please don’t make me watch you get hurt like this,” Len said, his voice quiet.  Barry didn’t move.

            “I’m not going, Len.”

            “Why?” Len said.

            Barry blinked up at him for a moment.  “Because I don’t want to.”

            “Why don’t you want to?”

            Barry shifted, curled a little tighter.  “I’m just tired.”

            “Barry,” Len said, “why don’t you want to go?”

            “You know why.”

            “Tell me.”

            “Because it hurts,” Barry said, almost sarcastic sounding.

            “It won’t be too bad.”

            “You don’t know that,” Barry said, voice bitter.  “You don’t know it won’t.  You said there might be the antibiotic shots.”

            “You got through them yesterday, Barry.  If you need them, and we don’t know that you do, Barry, we really, really don’t know, I don’t even know if it’s very likely or if it’s just a tiny chance – but if you need them, you’d get through them.  Just like you did yesterday.”

            “I’m not doing that again right now.”

            “We don’t even know that you need them though.  You could be worrying for nothing right now.  Why don’t we just go and let Caitlin do a couple tests and find out what you need, if you need anything?”

            “Because I don’t want tests.”

            “It shouldn’t be anything bad, Barry.”

            “I don’t want a blood test.”

            “Those ones don’t hurt too bad,” Len said.

            Barry shook his head.  “They still hurt,” he said, voice soft, almost mumbled.  “They’re still awful.”

            “I know they still hurt,” Len said, voice soft as well, careful, “but they’re not as bad.  They hurt for a minute, but then they’re over.”

            “It was supposed to be over yesterday.”

            Len paused, and then moved his hand, hesitant at first, to see if Barry would shy away from him, angry, but when he didn’t move Len let his hand rest in Barry’s hair.

            “I know, Scarlet,” Len said, “I’m sorry you’re feeling sick.  I’m sorry it’s going to have to be a little bit more.  But this shouldn’t be like yesterday, this should just –”

            “You can’t _do that_.”

            Len paused, surprised at how shaky Barry’s voice was suddenly.  Barry curled up tighter under the blankets.

            “You can’t – I can’t just keep – keep _going_.  It’s supposed to be _over._ ”  Barry sucked in a breath, tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over as dread and fear and pain clenched in his stomach.  “It’s the only way I get through it all – because I know it’ll be over afterwards, that then I’ll be done, that everything hurts and I feel awful now but it will end, and in a couple days I’ll feel better, I’ll feel fine again.  I’m not – I’m not supposed to have to do something the very next day.  I ca- can’t do that – I have – that’s the only thing that’s good about it all, that I heal so fast, so it stops hurting fast, it _stops_ , and then it’s over and it can’t just – it can’t just not be over now – I can’t go in now, it’s supposed to be _over_ , I’m supposed to get a break, I’m supposed to get to feel _better_ now.”

            Len took in a long breath, and then he took in another.

            “I’m sorry, Scarlet,” he said, and his hand stayed in Barry’s hair, fingers running through it.  “I’m sorry, Barry.  I’m sorry this is so hard, and you have to go through so much pain.  This shouldn’t be like yesterday, Barry.  This shouldn’t be that kind of pain and stress.  I’m gonna go with you, and I’ll stay with you the whole time, and we can do whatever you need to make it better, Scarlet.  We can bring a laptop and watch TV to try to distract you, or a blanket and afterwards we can come back and do whatever you want, or just lie in bed if you’re still tired.”

            “I don’t wanna go.”

            “I know, Scarlet,” Len said, “but if you get worse, whatever Caitlin needs to do will only be worse too.  I know this is an awful situation, and you deserve to just be able to rest, but we really have to go, Barry.  We really, really do.  It shouldn’t be that bad.”

            “What if it is?” Barry said, “What if I need another antibiotic shot?”  His mouth wavered, and he shook his head.  “Len, I – I c-can’t.  They – they hurt so much, it’s – I can’t do that again.  It’s awful – it was just as bad as breaking bones, Len, worse then some of the breaks I’ve had.”

            “If you have to do something painful, you’ll get through it, and you’ll be OK, and I’ll be with you the whole time.  I don’t know if you’ll need to, Scarlet, but I don’t think you will.  Caitlin didn’t sound like she thought it was likely something bad.”

            “I just got it done though,” Barry said.

            “If you have to do something really painful, we’ll talk about if we can wait – if it can wait until tomorrow or not.”

            “What if it can’t?”

            “Then it’s probably something important, Barry,” Len said, “it’s probably something that will get worse, that will be much more painful to deal with later.  We really need to go today, Scarlet.”

            Len waited.  Barry didn’t say anything.      

            “Barry,” Len said, “can I call Caitlin and tell her we’re coming over now?”

            Barry didn’t say anything for a long moment, and then he gave a single, tiny nod.


	5. Shots Part 2

            Barry was wrapped in Len’s parka, because he was cold, and the coat smelled like Len, and it was warm and fuzzy.  Len drove them to Star, and he had a bag with a laptop and a blanket.

            When they got there, Caitlin brought them over to the desks instead of the medical equipment.  Len had called Caitlin and told her they were coming, and he might have also mentioned that Barry was anxious.  Very, very anxious.  Barry sat down in one of the chairs, and Caitlin came over with a blood collection kit while Len took out the blanket and draped it over Barry’s shoulders, pulling over a chair next to him.

            “I’m just going to take a blood sample first,” she said, “is this arm OK, Barry?”

            Barry started trembling, looking at Len almost desperately.  He was already breathing fast, looking scared.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “just a blood test.  I know it still hurts, but it’s not too bad, and it’ll be over quickly.”  Barry kept trembling and Len took his hand and gave it a squeeze, placed his other hand on his knee.  “Are you OK to let Caitlin start – on that arm?”

            Barry’s mouth tightened, but his eyes flicked over to Caitlin for a second and he nodded again before tensing, looking back at Len.

            “Relax your arm,” Len said, “you’re OK.  Deep breath, Barry.”

            Barry sucked in a breath, felt the piercing pain of the needle and squeezed his eyes shut.  He held tightly to Len’s hand, trying to breathe through the waves of pain, trying not to speed up his thoughts and draw the moment out even longer, trying to ignore the horrible, revolting feeling of the needle in his arm on top of the pain.  He whimpered when it seemed to go on forever, and then finally Caitlin was pulling it out and pressing a bandage to his arm.

            “All done,” she said, “It’s all done.”

            Barry kept breathing too fast.  His arm hurt.  He couldn’t breathe.  He looked at Len and it was suddenly all too much.  He pitched forward, and Len caught him in his arms.

            “Shh, it’s OK,” Len said.  Barry clutched at him, shaking his head, hands trembling, whimpers coming up his throat.  “It’s OK, it’s over.  You’re OK.”

            “I wanna go home,” Barry said.  “I – I want to go home.  I can’t do any more, I wanna go home, I wanna go home now.”

            His voice was rushed, desperate, and there were tears in his eyes again.  He felt like his chest was tightening, felt like his throat was closing and he couldn’t breathe. 

            “Shh, Scarlet,” Len said, “take deep breaths.  You’re hyperventilating, Barry.  Try to take deep breaths, OK?  With me, ready, breathe in –”

            Barry tried, but it felt too slow, felt like he was suffocating, he shook his head.

            “Scarlet,” Len said, his voice gentle, careful, “You’re having a panic attack.  It’s OK.  I promise you’re OK.  Just try to take deep breaths now, OK?  It’ll help, Barr, I promise.”

            “I c-can’t breathe,” Barry said.  His heart was thudding in his chest, his skin felt tight, and his entire body was tensed.

            “Yes, you can, Barr,” Len said. “I promise you can, it just feels like you can’t.  It’s OK.  It’s just a panic attack.  You’re OK.”

            Barry kept shaking his head, breathing too fast.  He was dizzy, skin suddenly burning hot.  Panic wrapped around his throat and squeezed, sank in his stomach, filled his lungs and wrapped a vice around his chest.

            “I – I thought it be OK but it’s not, I need to go home,” Barry said.  He stood up suddenly, and then swayed and grabbed onto the side of the desk. Len was up in another moment.

            “Barry, slow down, hey – Scarlet, it’s OK.  It’s, OK, just breathe.”  Len gripped Barry’s arms, steadying him, then pressing him down into the chair again.  Len crouched in front of him instead, taking his hands.  “Shh,” he said, “it’s OK.  Breathe, Barry, it’s OK.”

            It took Barry another fifteen minutes to calm down, and even then, he was still trembling.  Len wrapped the blanket tightly around his shoulders and pressed the second chair right up next to Barry’s, wrapping one arm around him and letting Barry lean his head onto Len’s shoulder.

            “OK, Barry,” Caitlin said.  “It looks OK.  I’m going to need to give you some steroids and one more vaccine – it looks like one of the viruses wasn’t fully eradicated yesterday.  I’m just…”  She trailed off when she got a look at him, the fearful, panicked expression on his face, quickly filling up with dread.  Barry shot a quick look over to Len.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “let Caitlin finish explaining.”

            “What does that mean?” Barry asked.  He bit at his lip, curling his hands in the blanket.  “How… what kind of vaccine?  Is it… how bad is it?”

            “The vaccine shouldn’t hurt that much,” Caitlin said.  “I’m going to have to give you an IV for the steroids – I should be able to run it all through in just five minutes.  I can give you the vaccine first, or after that.  Whichever you’d prefer.  I’m going to have to give you a shot with the steroids too though… and then one more blood test, to make sure it’s all set this time.”

            “If it’s not will there be more?” Barry asked.

            “I don’t think you’ll need more,” Caitlin said, “but if the blood test shows the virus still active then I’ll need to give you more, yes.”

            “But you don’t think he’ll need more,” Len said.

            “No,” Caitlin said.

            Barry was trembling.  “The steroids… the IV and the shot, is it… like the antibiotics?”

            Caitlin took in a long breath.  “I don’t think it’ll hurt as much as the antibiotics,” she said, “the IV will probably still sting… I don’t know how much the shot will hurt.  I don’t think it’ll be as bad as the antibiotics, though.”

            Barry bit at his lip again, wanted to run, could feel the panic ramping up again under his skin.

            “That’s just two shots, though,” Len said.

            “And an IV.  And another blood test.  At least,” Barry said.  He was sweating, but felt cold.  His stomach twisted, and he felt like he was going to throw up.  “I don’t wanna do all that,” he said quietly.  He shuddered.  “I… I barely got through one blood draw…”

            “You’re going to be fine,” Len said, “I’m right here.  Caitlin’s here too.  It’ll be OK.”

            “Do you want to start with the vaccine, or the IV?” Caitlin asked.

            Barry’s mouth felt dry.  It felt like the world was tunneling inwards, everything suddenly too fast.  “The vaccine,” he said.  She said the vaccine shouldn’t be too bad.  He didn’t want an IV now.  He really, really didn’t want an IV, especially an IV with stinging, burning chemicals going into him, and then a shot, the same stuff in the shot, the same – it was going to hurt so much, would be just like the antibiotic ones when he had the IV with that too – it was going to –

            “Barry,” Len said.  Barry’s eyes darted back over to him.  “Barry, take a deep breath,” Len said.

            But the words only make Barry jump, a sudden flare of panic shooting through him, drawing back.  He jerked his head around, pulling both his arms in, only to find Caitlin several feet away, pulling out an alcohol swab.

            Barry relaxed again.  He had expected to find her ready to give him the shot.  That was always the cue – Len would tell him to take a deep breath, and then the shot was coming.  He relaxed a marginal amount more again.

            “Barry?” Len said.

            “Sorry,” Barry mumbled.  He tried to breathe deeply, tried to calm down again.  It was just a shot, just one shot.  He could do it.  She said it wouldn’t be that bad.  It would be fine.  It would be OK.

            He flinched back when Caitlin ran the alcohol wipe over his arm.  She brought the shot up and there was a moment of panic and then he was jolting out of his seat, tripping over himself.

            “Wait!”

            He scrambled away, and only managed to keep from falling onto the floor when Len grabbed his arm, got a hand around his back and pulled him up, then pulled him down onto his lap.

            “Easy,” Len said, running a hand over his back.  “It’s OK.  It’s OK.”

            Barry shook his head, eyes glued on the needle, and no, he couldn’t, he couldn’t do this.

            “No, I – I need five minutes,” Barry said.  He pulled away, pulled desperately at Len’s grip, Caitlin too close, the shot too close, he had to get away.  “No – I – please, I can’t, I need a minute, just one minute, please, wait!”

            “You can have a minute, Barry, relax, it’s OK, you can have a minute,” Len said.

            But he wouldn’t let go of Barry’s wrist.  Barry tugged at it, eyes darting over to where Caitlin took a step back, placed the shot down for a moment.  He stopped fighting, but kept pulling on his wrist, that Len wouldn’t let go of.

            “Let go,” Barry said.  “Len, let go – I – I can’t, let go.”

            “Barry,” Len said gently, “I’ll let go as soon as you take some deep breaths for me, OK?  I just really need you to calm down a little.  It’s OK.  Caitlin won’t start until you say it’s OK, alright?  She’s not going to just stick you with it.  It’s OK, you can have a couple more minutes, but I need you to try to calm down now.” 

            “Can I do this tomorrow?” Barry asked, looking to Caitlin.  “Please?  Is there any way this can wait until tomorrow?”

            “I’m sorry, Barry, you really need to get it done today,” Caitlin said.

            “I really don’t wanna do this,” Barry said, his voice small.

            “I know, Barr,” Caitlin said, placing a hand on his arm, “I know it can be really painful, and stressful, especially after yesterday.  I promise I’ll be as gentle as I can, OK?  And we can get this done for you fast.”

            Barry started to shake again.  “Can I wait an hour?”

            Caitlin hesitated.  “Barry…” she said, “We can… we could wait an hour, but you’re going to keep getting worse until you get the shots.  I think you should try to get it over with now.  You’re just going to keep stressing about it until it’s over with.”

            “There’s no reason to put yourself through that, Scarlet,” Len said, “I know you’re scared, and this is unpleasant, but once it’s over we can go back home, and relax.”

            “That’s what you said yesterday,” Barry said.  “You said it be over yesterday,” he mumbled.

            “I know, Barry, and I’m sorry it’s not,” Len said, “but after this it should be all over, right, Caitlin?”

            “Yes,” Caitlin said, “there shouldn’t be any more surprises.”

            Barry took a few deep breaths, still for a moment.

            “OK,” he said, his voice small again, and then he almost immediately tensed up again.  “OK, just… fine.  OK.”

            Caitlin jumped back into action, getting the shot, taking Barry’s arm again before he got a chance to work himself up again.

            “OK, Barry, I’m going to give you the shot now,” Caitlin said, “take a deep breath for me.”

            Barry took a deep breath, another shot of panic going up his spine.  Caitlin gave him the shot, and he tensed, pain shooting through his shoulder and arm.  He squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth.  It was painful, probably around the middle as far as the shots he’d had the day before went.  Not horrible – not the gut-wrenching pain of the antibiotic shots, but still significant – not one of the easy ones either.  He pressed his forehead into Len’s shoulder and took shallow breaths.

            “There you go, all done,” Len said, “you’re OK.  It’s all done.  You did great, Barry.  You’re doing so well.”

            There was some relief to it.  The pain was not all-consuming.  Some of the fear faded with it, when Barry realized it wasn’t horrible, was firmly within his ability to take, even if it definitely wasn’t pleasant.  He let out a few long breaths, heart rate slowing down as he relaxed once the pain started to fade.

            “Barry,” Caitlin said, “I want to start you on the IV now.  Is that OK?”

            Barry tensed again, looked up, then at Len.

            Len cupped the side of his face.  “Let’s just get it over with, OK?”

            He found himself nodding.  God, he wanted it to be over with.  Caitlin took his hand, and he started trembling again. 

            “Hey, look at me,” Len said, and Barry turned, and then felt the needle slide into his skin.  He flinched, pulled away, but Caitlin had his hand gripped firmly.  He winced and turned into Len instead.  “You’re OK,” Len mumbled, “that’s it.  You’re OK.  Just breathe.”

            She gave him the medicine through the IV then, and Barry flinched back, jolting this time.

            “ _Ow_ ,” he said, “ow, Cait it – it _burns_ , it stings, it –”

            “I know,” Caitlin said, holding his hand where the IV with, rubbing over it gently.  “It’s OK.  Take deep breaths, Barry, it’ll help.”

            “It _hurts_ ,” he said, stuck between trying to pull his hand away and trying to grab for the IV line.  It burned, worse than the antibiotics in the IV had even.  He started to hyperventilate, squirming where he sat in Len’s lap.  He could feel the stinging, burning medicine where it entered his hand through the IV, and the pain radiated up his whole arm.  He whimpered and turned away sharply, only to shake his head, and look back at Caitlin again.  “Cait, it hurts, it’s – it’s worse, it’s even worse than last time, it burns –”

            “That’s normal, Barry,” Caitlin said, “it’s OK.  It should go down a bit soon.  Just try to relax.  You only need this one in for a few minutes, then we can give you the shot, and after that it can come out.”

            “I can feel it all the way up to my shoulder,” Barry said, swallowing back a sob.  He bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut again.  It _hurt_.  The pain was too much to ignore, and to go another five minutes like this – he squeezed down on Caitlin’s hand where she held his, willing the pain to stop, to lesson, to dull even a tiny bit.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, shifting his arms around him to draw Barry in tighter.  “It’s just for a few minutes, Scarlet.  I know you can do it.”

            “It feels like I’m on fire,” Barry said.  And it did, it was a burning, hot pain, like fire running through the veins of his arm.  “Please…”

            He didn’t know what he was asking for, wasn’t panicking so much that he was begging them to stop yet.  He knew he had to have it done, but the idea of going through this for another few long minutes – he wanted it to stop, just wanted it done.  It hurt so much, and no matter what Caitlin said, it wasn’t getting better.  It was an awful, stinging pain and he hated the feeling of it, burning him from the inside out.  He was sweating, felt like he was going to pass out, was breathing too fast.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “you’re OK.  It’ll be over soon.  You’re already a minute in, it’ll be over soon.  You’re doing so well, I’m so proud of you.”

            Len kept repeating reassurances, and Caitlin kept holding the hand with the IV in it, running circles with her thumb over his skin.  He wasn’t sure if it was really to comfort him or just to make sure he didn’t try to rip out the IV.

            Another minute in a sob broke out of Barry’s mouth.  It was getting to be too much, was at the edge of his tolerance again.  Tears welled up in his eyes and he shook his head against Len’s neck.  A moment later a cry came bursting out of his mouth.

            “Lenny, it hurts,” he said, and he was shaking so hard, was hyperventilating, “it hurts, please.”  He tugged at his hand again, almost got it out of Caitlin’s when she wrapped her other hand around his wrist.  He shook his head.  “No – stop, please, it hurts.”

            “Shh, just a couple more minutes, Scarlet,” Len said, “it’s OK.  You’re doing so well.  It’s just a little bit more now, already more than halfway done.  You’re doing so good.  Try to breathe a little slower.  Just focus on breathing, Barry.  I’m right here, it’s OK.”

            “I need a break,” Barry said, tugging at his arm again.  “P-please – I just – I just need one minute, please.”

            “I’m sorry, Barry, we have to go straight through,” Caitlin said.

            “I can’t,” Barry said, desperately now, “I c-can’t, Caitlin, it – it hurts, I – I need a break, please, I can’t do this, you have to stop.”

            “Shh, Scarlet,” Len said, “it’s almost over.  It’s just a little more now.”

            “No, please,” Barry said, tears finally falling, sliding down his face, tugging at his hand, feeling his heart beating too fast.  “Len, it hu-urts, I can’t.  Please make it stop.”

            “I’m sorry, baby, I can’t,” Len said, “but it’s OK.  You’re OK.  It’s gonna stop soon, I promise.  Gonna stop real soon.  Shh, it’s OK.”

            “Fuck – fuck, it _hurts,_ Le-en.”

            “I know, Barr.  It’s almost over.  You’re so close.  It’s almost done.”

            “Lenny.”  Barry gripped at Len’s shirt, felt Len’s arms wrap tighter around him.  He pressed his forehead to Len’s shoulder and whimpered.

            “I’m here,” Len said.  “I’m right here.  I’ve got you.”

            Barry felt one of Len’s hands unwrap from him then, and shifted, confused.  Then his hand was being placed in Len’s, from where Caitlin had been previously holding it.  He tried to pull it back again, and Len tightened his grip.

            “Easy,” Len said, “it’s just a bit longer.  You’re doing so well – leave your hand alone, Scarlet.”

            “Take it out,” Barry said, “please.  I w-wannit out.”

            “I know, shh, I know, Barr,” Len said.  Barry managed to wrench his hand free, but Len only let go of him to grab it again.  This time his hand clenched around Barry’s wrist.  Barry whimpered, and tried to get it free again, lifting his other hand to pry at Len’s.

            That only resulted in Len grabbing his other wrist as well, and then Barry found himself struggling to get both arms free, to dislodge the searing IV, and Len was no longer holding him, was gripping his wrists instead.

            “Scarlet – Barry, relax, stop fighting – Barr, I need you to try to calm down.  I know it hurts, Barr, but I need you to stop fighting.”

            “Let go,” Barry said, “Len – fuck, Len, it hurts, st-top.”  He couldn’t concentrate through the pain enough to try to phase through the thing, or out of Len’s grip, couldn’t concentrate enough to think anything through at all, was just trying to get his hands free so he could get rid of the IV, so he could make the pain stop.

            “Barry, I need to give you the shot now, and then the IV can come out,” Caitlin said.

            Barry’s head turned around.  He saw the shot and panic burst into his lungs.  He shook his head. 

            “No,” he said, “it’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna – Cait, no, please.”

            “Once it’s done the IV will come out and it’ll stop hurting,” Len said, “it shouldn’t be as bad as yesterday, Scarlet.”

            Barry shook his head, looked back at Len in desperation.  His mouth wavered, and his expression broke.

            “I j-just w-wannit to st-top,” he choked out, voice cracking.

            “Baby, it’ll stop in just a minute,” Len said, “but you have to let Caitlin give you the shot, or it’s going to keep going.  OK?  Come here, Scarlet.  It’s gonna stop now, alright?  It’s gonna stop, you just have to let her give you the shot.”

            Barry whimpered, looked between Len and Caitlin, who was edging her way closer, going for his shoulder.  Barry went still, tense and shaking, but no longer struggling, and turned back to Len.

            “I want to hold you, Scarlet,” Len said, “but I can’t do that if you’re fighting me.”

            Barry clenched his teeth.  He stopped tugging at his arms, gave a small nod to Len.

            “I’m gonna let go of your wrist now,” Len said, and then carefully unwrapped his fingers from the wrist without the IV in it.  When Barry didn’t immediately reach for the IV he brought his arm around Barry’s back.  “Here, come here, Scarlet.  I’ve got you.”

            Barry rested his forehead against Len’s shoulder again, grabbed at his arm with his free hand.  He gave a small tug at the other one, hoping Len would let go of that too and hold him tighter.

            “Shh, I’ve got you,” Len said.  “Deep breaths.  It’s gonna be over in just a second, Scarlet.”

            Barry felt a hand on his arm, tensed, felt a bolt of panic, and then pain was bursting over his skin.

            He screamed, then bit it back.  Pain ran in shocks down his arm and to his neck, his chest.  He buried his face against Len’s shoulder, biting down hard, fingers digging into Len’s back.

            It was not as bad as the antibiotic shots had been.  It was still pretty fucking bad though.

            Barry cried against Len, tugged at the hand with the IV, which was burning more than ever, scraped so hard at Len’s back with his free hand that he tore holes in the fabric.  Len held him tightly, kept a grip on his wrist where the IV was.

            “Barry, I’m going to need one more blood sample now” Caitlin said after a couple minutes had passed.

            Barry shook his head, curled against Len. 

            “As soon as I check it, as long as everything is OK, I can get that IV out for you,” she said.

            “Please take it out,” Barry said.

            “I will as soon as I get the blood sample,” Caitlin said.  “I’m going to take it from this arm, is that alright?”

            Barry nodded.  He just wanted the IV out, anything to get the IV out faster.

            He let out a gasp and a whimper when she slid the needle into his skin to get the blood sample, then trembled while she took it.  Afterwards he curled back tighter against Len again.

            “I wannit out, I wannit out, I wannit out,” he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut.  “it hurts.”

            “Shh, almost over,” Len said.  He gave Barry’s forehead a kiss.  “Almost done now.  You did so well, almost over now.”

            Caitlin came back within a few minutes.  “It looks good,” she said, “let me see your arm, Barry.  I’ll get that IV out for you.”

            Barry gave her his arm willingly, cringing when the needle slid out, but it was immediately followed by a rush of relief as the pain lessoned considerably.

            “I wanna go home,” Barry said, and he found the words coming out of his mouth before he could even really think about them.  He was still clutching at Len, still had his forehead pressed to Len’s shoulder, and tears pricked at the corners of his eyes even as the pain faded more.  “I wanna go ho-ome,” he repeated, “I wanna go home.”

            Len rubbed calming circles on Barry’s back, gave the side of his head a kiss, and turned to Caitlin.  “Is he OK to go?”

            “Yes,” Caitlin said, “Barry, you’re all set.  I’m all done, everything should be good now.”

            Barry stood, but even as they walked out of Star Labs, he clung to Len.  He was still shaking.  He made it all the way home though, got all the way through the apartment door, took two steps into their kitchen.  Len was shrugging off his jacket, had just shut the door.  Then he burst out crying.

            Len froze, threw the jacket onto a chair and then walked the two steps to Barry, pulling him in close, arms wrapped around him.

            “Hey,” he said, “Barry, what’s wrong?”

            “Th-that wa-as awful,” Barry said, breath hitching. “It hu-urt s-so much.”

            “Shh, I know, Barr,” Len said.  “I know, I’m sorry.”

            “It was so b-bad.”

            “It’s all done now.”

            “Y-you wouldn’t l-let go-o.”  Barry choked on a sob.  “It hurt and y-you wouldn’t sto-op.”

            “I know, Scarlet, I’m sorry,” Len said, “we had to keep going.”

            “I ne-eded a _break_ ,” Barry sobbed, and suddenly he was pulling away, stumbling back, arms hugged around himself.  “I ne- I needed a break a-and you wouldn’t s-stop.”

            “I’m sorry, baby,” Len said, “I’m really sorry.  We had to keep going.”

            “It hurt,” Barry said, and then he was sobbing it over and over again, trembling, shaking, eyes glassy, breathing too fast.  “It hurt, it _hurt_.” 

            Len wrapped his arms around Barry again and Barry gripped back, crying into his shoulder.  Len held him tightly, rocking back and forth just the slightest, as Barry kept repeating the phrase, and then mumbling it, and then finally just crying quietly against him.

            “I think I’m gonna run a hot shower,” Len said once Barry had gone silent.  “How does that sound?”

            Barry nodded against him, and Len disentangled himself from Barry’s arms, leading him with a hand on his back into the bedroom, to the bathroom.  Len set the water running so it could heat up, and then carefully helped Barry get undressed, and undressed himself, before getting into the shower.

            Barry was mostly silent.  He had stopped crying, but looked like he might start again any second.  Len ran a soapy washcloth over Barry’s skin, and Barry stood there, almost numb, not reacting hardly at all.  Len washed Barry’s hair next, and Barry relaxed a little more at that. Len gently pulled Barry’s shoulders back, standing behind him, so that Barry leaned back against Len’s chest.  After he rinsed his hair again Barry turned his head in, towards Len’s neck, and then started shaking.

            “Shh,” Len said, and he wrapped his arms around him again, as Barry started to tremble heavily again.  “It’s OK,” Len said, “it’s all over.”

            They got out of the shower, and Len set out warm, soft clothing for Barry.  Barry moved almost lethargically, having to be nudged and prompted for almost every and any action.  He did walk to the bed unprompted, but Len took his hand and pulled him out to the living room instead.  He sat him down on the couch and grabbed the TV remote.

            They watched a documentary, which seemed to help calm Barry, until Barry fell asleep, head leaning down on Len’s shoulder.  Then Len nudged him awake, and they went back to bed, where Barry curled around Len and quickly fell asleep again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! (I promise Len will show up in the very beginning of the next chapter!). Please comment and let me know what you thought of it! They really make my day! Thank you :)


End file.
